Monday, August 06, 2007

The Business of Monkeys

The data that resulted from this study is, in my humble opinion, lacking in credibility for two reasons.

Reason number one: While the monkeys were stabbed, they were not robbed. If monkeys are to be utilized as human analogues, the sociological impact of the violent action should have to be factored into the equation. It is my understanding that in Humans, stabbing typically precedes robbery.

I heard nothing at all about whether or not the monkeys were verbally harangued during the stabbing. Do you know anybody who has ever been stabbed where they have not also been verbally insulted in the process? Me neither, and that is reason number two.

While I’m sure they meant well, I think they should leave the animal stabbing to the trained professionals at the cosmetics and pharmaceutical companies.

Wait, I’m receiving an update. Apparently, no monkeys were stabbed after all and it was all just an outrageous and totally believable hoax. As my sympathetic feelings towards monkeys are in the public domain, you can imagine my relief.

29 Comments:

Blogger Stucco said...

This explains the threat I received the other day- "Back off, or I'll shank you with my monkey shiv!"

9:44 PM, August 06, 2007  
Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Indeed. All monkeys deserve sympathy. Except maybe the baboons that chased us through India, teeth bared, trying to get their little monkey paws on our roti bread. They deserved a whack with a monkey stick. Little shits.

Puss

4:44 AM, August 07, 2007  
Blogger Bobby Griffin said...

The results are in!! Check em out and see where your blog ranks!

9:05 AM, August 07, 2007  
Blogger Irene said...

Sometimes people act more like monkeys than monkeys do, don't you think? ;p

9:41 AM, August 07, 2007  
Blogger Kara said...

This is why the internets is dangerous. Bad, bad Al Gore for inventing it.

1:28 PM, August 07, 2007  
Blogger nic said...

I sat through that clip without realizing it was a hoax. Have we not all seen some stupid study and when we learn the results think, "well, duh, dipshit, you needed a study to prove THAT?!"

I love the onion, but sometimes they scare the hell out of me, especially when I'm not paying attention.

Favorite headline went something like this: Desperately needed vowels air dropped to Vhcbmristan.

8:28 PM, August 07, 2007  
Blogger Whippersnapper said...

Oh, I love The Onion. When I was teaching genetics to my grade 12s several years ago I photocopied an article with the headline "Scientists Find Gene Responsible for Eating Whole Goddamned Bag of Chips!" and handed it out, but no-one got it.

Stupid grade 12s, no sense of humour at all.

10:01 PM, August 07, 2007  
Blogger Evil Spock said...

Never stabbed anyone, but Evil Spock does like punching friends in their sleep.

12:44 PM, August 08, 2007  
Blogger Jill said...

I'm starting to notice a disturbing fixation on monkeys around here....

1:53 PM, August 08, 2007  
Blogger Tammy Duplessie said...

OMG...You are funny! I kept chuckling to myself while I read this post and my daughter thinks I'm crazy now. Thanks!

6:57 PM, August 08, 2007  
Blogger David said...

Monkeys - the god's top comedy animal - deserve fixation as well as veneration.

10:28 AM, August 09, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Stucco, fucking hilarious! That is all I have to say.

Hi Glamourpuss, I’ve heard tales of those thieving monkeys in India. I guess it’s a good thing they haven’t gotten around to raping as well. Or maybe they have. I know if I were raped by a baboon, I would never never never never tell anybody about it.

Hi Bobby, I’m heading over there as soon as I finish my evening blog duties.

Hey Irene, I know a few people who could actually elevate their image a few notches by emulating a monkey.

Hi Kara, why did he have to make the internet tubes so small? Why couldn’t he have made them big, like a truck?

Hi Nic, I’ve gotten so skeptical in my old age I assume everything I read is an outrageous lie. I’m still not quite sure if the Hindenburg crashed, or if the whole thing was Photoshopped. By the way, that headline is now my favorite as well.

Hi Whippersnapper, I love the Onion too. I send clips to friends every now and then and there is always somebody who gets overly concerned over things that simply couldn’t be true by any stretch of the imagination. I guess that’s how politicians get away with their outlandish bullshit.

Spaaawwwwwwwwwwwwk! At my brother’s house, if you ever have the misfortune of falling into a deep (alcohol and/or drug induced) sleep, you will wake up with a black Sharpie™ mustache, Sharpie™ beard, Sharpie™ sideburns, big, thick, black eyebrows and black fingernails. Depending on how deep your sleep is, there might also be biscuit dough involved.

Hello my darling Jilly, don’t try to act like you haven’t seen my chimpanzee.

Hi Tammy Duplessie, welcome to my humble blog. Regarding your craziness, I think it is best that your daughter finds this out early in life. Trying to act sane is just too tiresome and will wear you down over time.

Hey David, I fixate on all types of furry and feathery critters. And you are absolutely correct, our monkey counterparts do deserve better than they typically get.

12:47 AM, August 10, 2007  
Blogger Gledwood said...

How very odd ... Hmmm...

I've borrowed this for my Random Vid Clips blog
http://gledwoodvideo.blogspot.com

I hope you don't mind! Of course I gave your name and blog and linked you up!!

11:41 AM, August 13, 2007  
Blogger Anne said...

You sure do like those monkeys.
...how ya feeling these days, Slaghammer?

4:36 PM, August 15, 2007  
Blogger Goncalo Veiga said...

We have to love science no? hehe Insane news! For a moment it got me worried and I thought this was real!

7:06 AM, August 16, 2007  
Blogger Crankster said...

From monkey sex to monkey stabbings...

You're starting to make me nervous. What's next, monkey crack addiction?

12:18 PM, August 17, 2007  
Blogger Sarah said...

What is it with you and monkeys ?! Still, if you're going to do a study then its good to involve both babies and pregnant monkeys as well as average adults. I also thought it was very thorough of the researchers to stab them not only in the obvious belly area, but also the eye sockets.And another thing - thank God the church is doing something, finally about the foul act of spooning. You are doing good, Slaghammer, bringing this to the world. By the way, how are your tomatoes ? S

2:19 PM, August 21, 2007  
Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

I do highly recommend you see the Australian film Chopper, it has a lovely stabbing scene in it.. never will you see anything like it. Random jail house stabbing followed by a genuine apology. Look out for it.

9:50 PM, August 22, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hey Gled, no problem, it all comes from the same place and eventually goes everywhere it ends up.

Hi Anne, we are all monkeys down inside. My inner monkey is just a little closer to the surface than most.

Hi Goncalo, I do love science, but science doesn’t share my feelings. I give and I give what do I get in return, pseudo-science, that’s what I get for all my troubles. Maybe I’ll have a long talk with the mighty Zeus tonight before I go to bed. The bastard owes me.

Hi Crankster, nope, I’m ok with monkeys burning a little ganja every now and then, but I don’t think they should be trusted with the hard stuff, no willpower. I was thinking maybe some good old-fashioned monkey spanking.

Hey Sarah, if I don’t do it, who will? Monkeys have been kept in the shadows for too long. They are derided and laughed at for doing what we only dream of doing. With the monkeys’ help, I am breaking free of these illogical restrictions on behavior. From now on, when somebody pisses me off, I’m going to crap in my hand and fling it at them. I’ll scream at the top of my lungs and flail my arms about in random patterns. Maybe I’ll bite them too.

Hi Orhan, I will search for it now and report back to you.

8:24 PM, August 23, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Orhan, I found that scene and a few others on youtub. It was a lovely stabbing indeed. I thought the apology was a little lacking in sincerity though.

8:46 PM, August 23, 2007  
Blogger Anne said...

Hey, how you doing there, Slag? Feeling ok these days?

10:35 PM, August 23, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Anne, nope. Lucky for me, there’s usually very little correlation between how I feel and how much fun I squeeze out of a typical day. I have a nasty headache, my nuts are killing me, my back feels like a sack of toothpicks, I broke down and took a Vicodin which did nothing but make me nauseated as hell, it’s about 1am and I just had a hell of a good time out in my little pottery shop. I threw one vase, four little art pots and a face pot. I also mixed the glaze that I’ll be using to fire with this weekend and chose the glaze colors I’ll be using on a large penis shaped vase that a friend has been bugging me to make for the last two years. That’s right, a penis shaped pot. I’ll give the details in my next blog entry. Thanks for asking.

1:05 AM, August 29, 2007  
Blogger Cheesy said...

We miss your wit darlin' please post pics of the peni pot!

11:34 PM, August 29, 2007  
Blogger nadeem said...

Hey nice blog , this is my music blog http://mp3sdomain.blogspot.com
if you are interested in a link exchange then just let me know !!!

3:08 PM, August 30, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Cheesy, thank you. The p-pot is on its way.

Hi Nadeem, Thank you for the offer. I’ll visit your blog as soon as my decrepit spine will allow me more than five minutes at the keyboard on any given day. Soon I hope.

9:39 AM, August 31, 2007  
Blogger Goncalo Veiga said...

hey Slag!

whats up? how are that back? still giving you trouble raising the torch to Zeus?

hope youre somehow better! :)

8:44 PM, September 08, 2007  
Blogger Stucco said...

Wherefore art thou, Slag?

10:04 PM, September 14, 2007  
Blogger Santosh said...

Thank god it was hoax....but hoax apart,people do similar incredible tortures to animal in the name of research,which has no practicle value.And even if they have then one must try to find alternatives.No one has right to play with any one elses life.

5:33 AM, September 16, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Goncalo, Zeus has let me down. I did everything I was supposed to do and he’s still punishing me for infracting some rule or another. Thanks for asking though.

Hey Stucco, lying on my belly, typing single-fingered at the moment. More on that later.

Hi Santosh, I agree. Of course the video is satire, but in many cases, they would be doing those research monkeys a favor by just putting them out of their misery. Truth is more terrible than fiction.

11:14 AM, September 16, 2007  

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