Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Karma Comes Calling

Our little neighborhood has recently been plagued by burglaries. Our little street alone has been burgled six times over the last six months with five of the intrusions in the last forty-five days or so. Practically all of my neighbors have been broken into and I’ve lost a few valuables out of my truck. While most of the incidences have been auto break-ins, they are also going into peoples houses while they are sleeping. For all intents and purposes, we have become a supermarket for the local reprobates.
I’ve been too preoccupied with my deconstructed spinal column and pressing work issues to do anything about it, until now. I build gadgets for fun and retribution and I’m working on a surprise for our local shoppers, nothing violent or dangerous, just effective. Considering I haven’t lived an overly virtuous life, I’m not getting too indignant over the whole thing. Even so, it’s my damn stuff and they can’t have it.


Blogger Judith said...

I just love that evil incarnet look on that monkeys face! Im thinking you will either be buying a gaggle of geese as a deterrent or possibly gift wrapping all manner of nasty things in an expensive looking box strategically placed. Either way I bet its a hum dinger you got in store for them. I think Id have a recording of some manic screaming rigged up to some amps on full ear bleeding volume connected to a sensor but if we are talking hypothetical worlds we'll then Id just like to plain ol knock seven colors of shite out of them (excuse the violent thoughts and the french but I hate that shit, my house was rich pickings situated on the corner and near a road and we must have been burgled at least 6 times in 15 years)

5:28 AM, March 21, 2007  
Blogger Hammer said...

People who steal and enter homes for a living deserve the worst reception available.

I hope it's a nasty surprise.

7:29 AM, March 21, 2007  
Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Whilst feeling generally quite ambivalent about the whole concept of property, I do think stealing stuff is a violation of another's boundaries, so if they step in your yard and end up in a bear trap, well, shit happens...


9:56 AM, March 21, 2007  
Blogger Goncalo Veiga said...

Is there a reward?! Get one of those psychics from Unsolved Cases! hehe

But, in case anything happens (I hope not) and you're not around, give this saying a little thought: they can have the rings but you'll keep your fingers...


10:19 AM, March 21, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice picture, but I'd recommend that you keep the welding helmet on...
:^ )

12:13 PM, March 21, 2007  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I'm sorry for your troubles, really I am but where exactly does the monkey's willie fit into this?

Oh God, please don't tell me where the monkey's penis fits into anything.

12:48 PM, March 21, 2007  
Anonymous Whippersnapper said...

Someone stole our stroller last week. That's right, our crappy little second-hand stroller that I am a helpless and housebound wreck without. So if it works well, you WILL share the floor plans of your device eventually, won't you?

Does it... does it involve involuntary simian penetration? Because if it does, (and please take this as just a gentle warning) there are some crooks that might return over and over again for that sort of thing you know...

1:45 PM, March 21, 2007  
Blogger Anne said...

Wow, disturbing photo. So then you have a plan involving monkey wieners? *shudder*
I hope you catch the bastards, but remember if you hurt them too much you may be the one to end up in trouble. Not fair, is it?

4:40 PM, March 21, 2007  
Blogger Scott from Oregon said...

We used to rig our cars with elecric fence current. You just have to isolate the doors from the chassis at the hinge points...

I've woken to a few pretty good screams that made me smile, smile, smile...

7:15 PM, March 21, 2007  
Blogger mist1 said...

That's not the first monkey penis I've seen. Seriously, my friend used to own a feces throwing monkey. That should keep the petty thieves away.

8:43 PM, March 21, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Judith, I like the way you think. A trap door over a pit of sex-starved male baboons would be a pretty good idea too.

Hammer, home breakers are the worst, they are jackasses of the first order.

Glamourpuss, I’m much more particular about my stuff than I used to be. It’s probably because some of my most valued possessions have been with me for thirty something years. I would be really pissed off if some jackass carted off my Les Paul.

Goncalo, the only reward is a feeling of satisfaction for doing a good deed… excuse me for a moment while I barf. Ok I’m back. In answer to your question, no, that is not a chimp’s penis, it is a baboon’s penis, a filthy disgusting baboon’s penis.

Anonymous, what, should I maybe get a haircut and start wearing underwear? I’ll consider it.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride, I could think of a few places where the monkey’s willie would do a world of good. Whether or not the willie would fit snugly or not depends of course on the physiological characteristics of your typical thief.

Whippersnapper, I like the direction this string is going. I feel much better about the situation just knowing there are others out there who support the concept of monkey-style bestiality as punishment for petty crimes.

Anne, not to worry, I have lots of experience dealing with thieves, jerks and jackasses. I’m not interested in hurting anybody, just want to make my block a whole lot less interesting to thieves, jerks and jackasses.

Scott from Oregon, I hope you used a weed-burner fence charger. The thought if it makes me smile too.

Mist1, I’m not surprised in the least that you’ve crossed paths with a monkey penis. :-)
You’ve given me an idea, a dung trebuchet or turd catapult if you will. I actually never, ever say “if you will.” Jilly and I have a list of forbidden words and phrases on the door of the fridge. “If you will” is posted alongside slacks, moist and flavorful, I hate them all.

12:32 AM, March 22, 2007  
Blogger Dr. Blogstein said...

I love how the first commenter, Judith, references a "hum dinger" because it was the baboon's hum dinger that I kept focusing on (though trying not too!) while reading that post.

10:10 AM, March 22, 2007  
Blogger Mystic Wing said...

Glad you're back; was beginning to think you'd stopped blogging entirely.

Looking forward to hearing about how you'll deal with the petty theives.

The idea of a dung catapault reminds me of an annoying neighbor I once had. After being nipped one too many times by his annoying little dogs (rats on ropes), I began to heave the feces from my own pet into his yard late at night, using a golf pitching wedge. It was great fun.

10:14 AM, March 22, 2007  
Blogger Kara said...

Ok...first off, I can't BELIEVE you didn't tell us what you made. second's not the stealing the stuff that's so's breaking in while people are HOME SLEEPING that's so wrong. Someone tries that shit with me...they gonna get a neck broke. Cause now I know how to do that.

10:46 AM, March 22, 2007  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

He looks like he'd be the very devil for nostril rape with that thing.

11:21 AM, March 22, 2007  
Blogger Cheesy said...

LOL@ sam! hahahah

Man I can't tell you how pissed I get @ robberies. Only had my barn robbed once and the family dog at the time was a springer spaniel.. I'm sure he took them a frizbie...

Now I just rely on my Bersa .380 lol...
Get to feeling better kiddo!

8:18 PM, March 22, 2007  
Blogger Jill said...

Aaaaah! Where did you find that picture?? Next time, warn a person, will ya?

That thing looks positively prehensile. And a prehensile monkey weiner is a scarey and dangerous thing, in real life or in a picture.

10:53 AM, March 23, 2007  
Blogger photo blog girl said...

OMG, that picture is priceless. Do you think my work would be upset if I made that my new desktop background?

2:11 PM, March 23, 2007  
Blogger acwo said...

I like your blog very much
keep it up!

6:48 PM, March 23, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hey doc, I guess we all owe a debt of gratitude to the alleged Eve. If not for her indiscretion with the alleged apple, there’d be a lot of those things hanging around.

Mystic Wing, yeah, it’s been a rough couple of months. Achy skeletons have a way of slowing everything down. Regarding your late night golf tourneys, considering the undesirable effects of a duffed shot, I’m betting your short game improved considerably.

Kara, picture in your mind one of those industrial chicken plucking machines, I won’t be building anything like one of those, I just wanted you to picture in your mind one of those industrial chicken plucking machines. Btw, I would like to know where you learned to break people’s necks. I would also like to know why you learned to break people’s necks.

Sam, I’m not a big fan of poking things up my nose, especially baboon penises. While it is true that I have no experience on which to base that opinion, I’ve never eaten shit either and yet I know that it tastes like shit.

Cheesy, I’m having a hard time imagining spaniels as guard dogs. I’m guessing that your family pet was just being true to his nature.

Jilly, don’t you remember, I took that picture at my last family reunion. Uncle Henrod would be sorely disappointed that you didn’t recognize him.

Photo Blog Girl, I’m sure they would be thrilled. They might even adopt the image as their company logo.

Acwo, thanks for dropping by.

1:47 AM, March 24, 2007  
Blogger Sarah said...

Hi. The monkey scares me. Please quickly write another post about something that doesn't involve naked apes or mutilating burglars. Well, I suppose the burglar thing I can cope with, but that monkey............I may need to seek help. S

11:21 AM, March 24, 2007  
Blogger Stucco said...

Slag, how are you feeling as well? You ae crippled and Jilly was sick- must have sucked.

2:43 PM, March 25, 2007  
Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

That small monkey has a big dick. It scares me so!

7:33 PM, March 25, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Sarah, take a good long look into that monkey’s eyes, can’t you see that all he really wants is love, acceptance, and a little pile of feces to hurl.

Stucco, Jilly is getting better and I have caught what she had. Regarding my spine, it appears that I might have to learn to live within these new parameters. Considering all the hell I put my bones through in years past, I guess it’s only fair that they should have the last laugh. The good news is the third times the charm, I have a functional lappy, yay! Thanks for asking by the way.

Orhan, this is a family type blog, please refer to “dicks” as meat plows. It is ok to refer to a person’s hands as “dick skinners” though, since in this context the word “dick” is not considered gratuitous.

12:12 AM, March 26, 2007  
Blogger Kara said...

A free self defense course put on by the Portland Police Dept. I also know how to break pinkies, kneecaps, noses, adam's apples, kidneys and can fairly accurately geld a man with one twist and pull of my right hand.

I took it because I've had a few scary incidents on the bus with being followed of late.

And I don't think I've seen one of those machine-things before.

2:24 PM, March 26, 2007  
Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

Lol, I didn't even notice the monkey's meat-slammer until reading comments!
I live in a neighborhood that has been beseiged by petty crooks. My vehicles have been broken into 7 or 8 busted out twice, my house broken into once...while I was sleeping!

I now have 4 infrared, motion detection cameras. I have a sensor that chimes anytime anyone crosses my property line. I have such bright outdoor lights that my neighbors refer to my yard as Turner Field. Finally, I have a megaphone...which I have only used once at about 3 am when a couple known crack-heads were walking up my street peering in peoples cars. In my lowest, deepest, most haunted voice whispered in between gasps "i'm watching you & I want to have fun. Entertain me & see what I'll do for you." It was great listening to these kids. 'oh shit'' wtf was that' 'man, i told you this neighborhood was haunted' one of them stood in the middle of the road, hands up eyes & head tilted to the sky & said 'man, i didn't do anything'. Refraining from a bladder busting laughter, I was able to quickly utter out 'Then Run! Run for your life!' and that is what they did! The sight was almost worth the two busted windows & the countless break-ins. Lol, haven't had a problem since!

4:03 PM, March 26, 2007  
Blogger babagenouche said...

dude, edukator and I feel your pain.
We've been burgled before and it PISSES ME OFF to no end. Luckily for the thieves, Edukator is here to restrain me from performing any of my elaborate schemes for revenge - otherwise I'd certainly be in jail by now.
Nice monkey...:)

6:11 AM, March 27, 2007  
Blogger Evil Spock said...

Considering if this went on in the States, I would be a lot less non-chalant. Unfortunately here, violence is usually associated with this sort of crime.

Across the pond, I keep thinking its like the Pink Panther or something.

10:09 AM, March 27, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Kara, if you have some sort of basic faith in the goodness of humankind, and you prefer to keep it that way, it is best that you not see one of those machines. I say that as a devout omnivore. Regarding your ability to geld a man with your bare hand, I hope you don’t miss with that thing and take out an innocent bystander. :-)

Skinny, I guess it was easy to miss, just a disgusting little monkey dangler hanging out there in broad daylight for all the world to see. I think it is a sign that you’ve evolved to a higher state of consciousness. I’m glad you got your thieving little bastards under control.

Babagenouche, thanks for dropping by. It is best to curb your desire for blood, but who’s to say a little bruising is not in order?

Spock, lucky for me, this is all happing in Texas. The laws in this state are a little more lenient for victims of crime who take drastic measures to protect their lives and property. Even so, I plan to take a measured approach.

2:51 AM, March 28, 2007  
Blogger Crankster said...

Don't underestimate the low-tech solution: a baseball bat with nails poking out of the end works wonders for attitude adjustment.

6:16 AM, March 28, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Crankster, bats with nails should never be underestimated in any situation but there’s something to be said for jumper cables clamped to a jackasses testicles.

7:00 PM, March 28, 2007  

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