Monday, July 30, 2007

Jungle Fever

It was the late 1960’s. The law of the jungle was broadcast every Sunday afternoon on a television show called Wild Kingdom. While obviously staged and comically over-produced, as wildlife programs go it was the only game in town. The master of ceremonies was a guy named Marlin Perkins, a kindly old grey haired circus ringmaster with a cottony voice and little concern for the Prime Directive. Each week, assorted wilderness beasts underwent detailed analysis in severely sanitized terms. This was, and I’ve said it many times before, an unfortunate manifestation of vestigial Victorian modesty. Stupid Victorians!

Most of the truly interesting aspects of animal life never made it past the censors, which is too bad considering there just isn’t a whole lot going on in the life of your typical Gnu when farting, crapping, screwing and birthing are deemed dangerously destructive to the developing moral framework of red-blooded American mother’s sons and daughters. By virtue of a stroke of the pen and a shear of the scissor, those natural facts of life found their way into the editor’s trashcan.

Prior to modern times, homo-sapiens and their progenitors had survived countless thousands of generations (300 generations for my Christian Fundamentalist compadres) of direct exposure to sexual activity and bodily functions of the foulest biological origin, and we somehow survived it all.

Things are different now. We are protected from the details. We throw buckets of water on mating dogs and blur out images of humongous elephant baloneys while clinging desperately to the image of the peaceable kingdom. It turns out it’s more of a queendom, but that’s another story. At the end of the day, righteous indignation keeps us all safe and sound, insulated from the most profound displays of physical attraction. Goddamn Victorians! Did I mention I hate those bastards?

Off the soapbox and back to my point, in the early days, nature film producers found themselves in a quandary. How do you create a compelling narrative when the star of your show spends most of the day eating grass and defecating? It was the predators in general and the lions in particular that filled the entertainment gap. You never saw them fart but that was ok because killing makes for some righteous Sunday afternoon relaxation with the family. The Victorians were apparently ok with that.

--------------------Bad Hair Day--------------------
Lions always put on a good show; a well-regulated social order and proficiency at the kill provided ample metaphor for their naturally predatory human counterparts. On the hunt, the big kitties are all about efficiency. They seek out the weak and the lame. To a predator, weakness is relative. In the absence of an obvious injury, a sneeze or a bad hair day might spark their interest. Prey animals in lion country pay a heavy price for even subtle deviations from normal behavior; few of them die of old age. Instead, they take early retirement, an option that typically involves being processed into little furry turds.

Cut to the scene of a shade-tree in the heat of the day, lounging predators nurse distended bellies and lick blood from each other’s faces. Marlin Perkins was telling my story. In those days, I was in almost every sense of the word one of those little furry cat turds that littered the ground under the shade tree. But I’ve told that story before and I don’t want to go over it again, gotta stay focused.

-------------------------Definitely Not An Eagle-------------------------
More than likely, you have imagined yourself as one of those animals, a leopard doing what leopards do or an eagle taking it easy on a thermal updraft. The animal that you imagine yourself as says something about how you view yourself, but maybe not in an obvious way. Maybe you do yearn to sink your teeth into the warm flesh a still twitching Gnu. It could be you’re just tired of looking over your shoulder, had enough of people telling you what to do. Chances are, given the choice and knowing what that choice would entail, you might choose a vulture. They don’t kill, they don’t get in any big hurry, they just take it nice and easy until the quadrupeds get a bellyful and then swoop in for a little buffet action. I think the mating hierarchy is a little less strict for vultures, which is a huge concern. Consider the lion, if you expect to get a little bit of that furry hind shank, you pretty much have to be the biggest, hairiest, meanest motherf*cker on the block. Any less and you’re left skulking the perimeter, watching the action from the sidelines.

----------------It's ok, Daddy's just tickling mommy!----------------
The same is true for all of the really cool animals that you might imagine yourself to be. All accept one, the Bonobo Chimp. They are fairly intelligent, mostly vegetarian, and they are all about scratching each others’ itch and keeping the flea population to a manageable level. Also, they have sex with whoever is in the mood, anytime of the day, any day of the week. They might be the only animal in the peaceable queendom with no rules when it comes to “making a ham sandwich” if you know what I mean. They do it face to face; doggy style, sixty-nine and three-ways are rumored. They do it hanging upside down, swinging from a branch, they trade food for sex, and there are also legends that have them ”playing the rusty trombone.” I would pass on that. They don’t care who sees their scary sex faces either. I find that a little disturbing too. If I were a Bonobo Chimp, I think I would tone that down a little, unless it was after dark, then who cares. Of course, my information on them is a little dated. If it turns out they’re a bunch of assholes like all the other jerks in the animal queendom, I don’t want to hear about it. Just let me have that one fantasy without ruining it with “data.” And no, I don’t consider having sex with hairy-assed monkeys a personal goal. But if I had to be an animal, that’s the one I would be.


Blogger Glamourpuss said...

So what do we infer from this? That you have an abnormally high libido? That you're a slut? Or that you have a really scary sex face?


7:24 AM, July 30, 2007  
Blogger Jazz said...

From Marlin Perkins to Playing the Rusty Trombone in one post.

I am in serious awe...

7:59 AM, July 30, 2007  
Blogger Evil Spock said...

Evil Spock also hates Victorians.

It amazes Evil Spock that tearing flesh from bone and watching lions tear apart baby animals is more palatable than watching two elephants doing it.

8:23 AM, July 30, 2007  
Blogger Bobby Griffin said...

Hi again Slaghammer,

Just thought I'd stop by and update you on the voting for bestest blog of the year. We've had over 8000 votes cast by over 100 different voters in just under a week. A contest update can be found at the new and improved brand new home of Bestest Blog!!, original details can be found here. With a week to go still, that $50 prize, title, and bragging rights is still up for grabs. Also, be sure to get in the running to be blog of the day again this year by joining the Blankest Blank Blog Directory. Thanks for reading and please stop by and leave a comment at the new Bestest Blog some time!

10:03 AM, July 30, 2007  
Blogger MoneyMania said...

What about link exchange?

Here is my blog, let me know about ur decision...

1:59 PM, July 30, 2007  
Blogger Hammer said...

I like the sanitized animal shows better, I eat in front of the TV and swining monkey nads don't aid the digestion ;)

2:46 PM, July 30, 2007  
Blogger nic said...

I don't know if they can play the rusty trombone or have a mean sex face, but Dolphins also have sex for fun.

I have a whole new understanding for all those girls who just love dolphins.

5:25 PM, July 30, 2007  
Blogger Sarah said...

Hi Slaghammer. Long time no speaky. So, you're back on the old monkey trail,eh ? You old rascal. S

2:17 PM, July 31, 2007  
Blogger Kara said...

I was all about trying to find the theme of this Animal Kingdom lesson...but I'm afraid I became too traumatized by the time I reached paragraph 5 and was just unable to absorb the rest.

I DO hear that people evolved from monkeys, you think that has an effect on their sexual preferences? People's, I mean.

4:00 PM, July 31, 2007  
Blogger Big Brother said...

I read that Bonobo's are much less aggressive than the other species of chimp. Must be all that sex, maybe we should get our world leaders into a swinger life style. ;o)

4:33 PM, July 31, 2007  
Blogger Whippersnapper said...

Oh, I'm so happy. "Playing the rusty trombone" is definitely a new (and welcome!) addition to my list of phrases, and I thank you for that!

Oh, I just went to that guy I live with and asked him if he knew what the above meant. He DID! I'm... I... actually, I don't know how I feel about that.

On a side note, I must say, it's always exciting to click on your site and see that you've posted. =>

11:11 PM, July 31, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Glamourpuss, everybody has a scary sex face. Of course, it’s not so scary when displayed in context, but hang out on a street corner at rush hour and give it a whirl... There are other ways to get an honest opinion of the scariness of a sex face, but this will settle the issue with no further effort required.

Hey Jazz, I’m not too sure that it was that big of a jump. Did you not know that Marlin Perkins was a bondage freak? This has never been confirmed and as far as I know, nobody has ever actually claimed it was true. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m the only person in the world who thinks that of Mr. Perkins, but that’s good enough for me.

Spaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwk! It’s not just animals, those illogical Neo-Victorians have no problem with graphic depictions of murder, as in the television shows “Gun Smoke” and “The Rifleman,” but there’s going to be some souls burning in the fiery pit of eternal damnation if a single solitary nipple slips past the censors. If there has to be needless censorship, it should be the exact opposite. Sex should be allowed and murderous carnage should be banned. Personally, I’m ok with both as long as there is a plot and the actors can act.

Hi Bobby, I’m glad to see you’re up and running again. I’ll swing by the new blog as soon as I can.

Hi Moneymania, I’ll visit your blog as soon as I am able.

Hey Hammer, I agree to some extent. I was watching a nature show a while back that showed bugs, in extreme close-up, with high fidelity audio blaring out all of the little noises they make. I never knew that Praying Mantises ate like such pigs, with their slurping and crunching. I was eating something, I don’t remember what it was, but I noticed I was making the same noises. Disgusting!

Hi Nic, you are correct, I forgot about dolphins. Still, they don’t make scary sex faces; they just smile that same old smile before, during and after.
Some guy got busted awhile back for getting frisky with a dolphin. The offended witnesses were on a tour boat in close proximity to the sordid affair. Apparently, people getting nasty with dolphins is not that uncommon, as the following evidence might suggest.

Hey Sarah, I don’t know what it is about monkeys. They’re like little hairy people with no manners.

Hi Kara, I’m not an expert on people who prefer monkey sex. But since you ask, and because I have been to a zoo, I would be glad to offer my take on the issue. I believe there is no contradiction between Genesis (Old Testament) and the theory of evolution. Adam and Eve were extremely hairy, poo flinging tree climbers. Back then, poo smelled like lavender, so it was no big deal. After Eve ate the apple, an equally hairy Laured made them go bald and also made poo smell like shit. You see Kara, we are all bald monkeys with a vestigial attraction to lavender. So, who can say that people who prefer monkey sex are any worse than you or me?

Hi Big Brother, that is exactly true. Unlike other chimps, which kill and sometimes practice cannibalism, Bonobos screw each other’s brains out instead. I’m pretty sure sex is the answer to the human condition, but nobody will listen to me.

Hi Whippersnapper, regarding “that guy’s” knowledge of such things, the fact that he’s never asked you to give the old horn a toot says a lot about his respect for your personal space. This is a barrier that could be breached if handled properly.

4:08 PM, August 01, 2007  
Blogger Scott from Oregon said...

8:55 PM, August 01, 2007  
Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

LOL... have you ever seen Eddie Murphy talk about 'fu*k faces'?

They say that if you were to think of the qualities of your favorite animal, that those would be the same qualities your ideal life partner would have.

11:05 AM, August 02, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Scott, Gervais is a funny guy. It’s hard to tell where he stands on the important issue of gay animals. Having been raised on a farm, I witnessed occasional same-sex “mounting” activities, primarily among the bulls but also some hard core rooster action. At the time, I took it as evidence of sexual frustration resulting from severely limited mating seasons and not necessarily a gay thing. On the other hand, had we raised penguins, I’m sure it would have been more obvious. I heard there is a very high incidence of dude penguins that are totally gay for each other. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. :-\

Hey Skinny, I have a vague memory of Eddie Murphy using the words f*ck and face in the same sentence a time or two, I’ll have to research it though.
Regarding your favorite animal qualities and the connection to the qualities of your ideal partner, that is so true. My favorite domestic animals are dogs, but my favorite wild animals are monkeys of course. It just so happens that Jill does an excellent imitation of a monkey howl and she also digs picking parasitic insects off my hairy back. That’s metaphorically speaking of course, since I have neither insects nor hair on my back. Well, maybe a sprig or two but nothing a flea could call home.

8:15 PM, August 02, 2007  
Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Surely there is a clip on Google Video or YouTube re: Wild Kingdom.. surely it couldn't be anymore comical than an episode of The Crocodile Hunter?

6:32 AM, August 03, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Orhan, come to think of it, they were similar in many respects. I think the primary difference between the two, and I can’t actually confirm this, is the “wild” nature of the “wildlife.” I think Wild Kingdom employed tamed and/or drugged animals in many of their clips. Regarding Crocodile Hunter, that dude was one crazy-ass motherfucker. It was comical in a lot of ways, but I think Erwin had some fairly large and probably extremely hairy nadicles. Once again, I’m speaking metaphorically here. In my part of the world, (apparent) heroism is assumed to be accompanied by a gigantic pair of nads, while (apparent) heroism coupled with insanity dictates that there must also be great bushy pubic tumbleweeds to go along with those planetary nuts. Don’t ask me why, it is just simply so

11:42 AM, August 03, 2007  
Blogger Max-e said...

Hi, if you read the original unsanitized translation of the 1001 Nights (I forget how many volumes there are, but there are enough to keep you reading for 1001 nights), by the nineteenth century explorer Richard Burton you may change your views of some Victorians. I now know why Sheherezade managed to keep her husband enthralled for so long.
Not the version that was read to the kids

11:46 AM, August 03, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Max-E, welcome to my humble blog. I will research the matter, but it is unlikely that I will ever be able to forgive them for what they have done. Besides, regarding our state of enlightenment, if I publicly place the blame where it currently belongs, I would risk offending too many people’s delicate sensitivities. This might sound illogical considering the content of some of my posts; however, you might notice that I have never slighted any particular religious sect. Except of course for Baptists, who are known to grind babies into bread flour and drink the blood of little furry kittens. I may have mentioned child molesting Catholic Priests somewhere along the line, but they’re big boys and can handle a little criticism.
Oh what the hell, ok, it’s not the Victorians I’m mad at, it is the hordes of tight assed preachers and sanctimonious priests, reverends, preachers, etc., who inflict unwarranted dread on the masses. I’m talking about those blowhard jackasses who hide behind ornate hand-carved, gilded church doors that cost thousands of dollars and spew their unadulterated bullshit out into the world while they pass the collection plate that is filled each Sunday by the grace of guilt.
Damn, what are you, some kind of internet therapist? However you did it, I don’t care because now I’m free! I now understand that the Victorians were just victims of religious oppression, just like me! Wait a minute, no, I still hate them. Thanks for trying though.

1:13 PM, August 03, 2007  
Blogger Kara said...

That DOES explain why I'm always drawn to lavender. I pick it straight from strangers' yards. Now I know it's's my right as an evolutionary marvel to pluck and run.

3:04 PM, August 03, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi again Slaghammer,

Just wanted to remind you that today is the last day of voting for Bestest Blog of the Year, and there are definitely still quite a few blogs within striking distance for the fame and glory (and $50 cash prize!).

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I hope you'll stop by and leave a comment some time, we've got lots of exciting stuff on the horizon!

10:31 AM, August 06, 2007  
Blogger Gledwood said...

Every Sunday up until fairly recently when the serieses ended we've been watching some fascinating stuff about Big Cats' social orders etc etc ... also meerkats which are little and not cats but have a complexicated order if ever there was one ... Hmmm I'm not the scientist but I liked your picture of the elephant doing the pooze.

How ARE you?? Long time no see, hey I gave you a shout at mine today... typed up some long-held pen-&-paper ramblings that were always meant to get into my blog and finally have and hey your name was there bc you said something about summer time being insufferable if you're on drugs... which it most certainly is

also I'll never 4get your description of a wash at the basin: a whore's bath... that is good. That is good my friend ...

11:45 AM, August 13, 2007  
Blogger Crankster said...

Have you ever read Welcome to the Monkey House. It's by my other hero.

12:15 PM, August 17, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

High Kara, I am so fucking late with these responses, pretty embarrassing. And your are correct, you are an evolutionary marvel.

Hi Bobby, thanks for all you do.

Hey Gled, Jilly and I have been watching a series called Meerkat Manor. It’s all about, as you correctly point out, little animals that are not cats. The show is jam-packed with anthropomorphism; I just can’t get enough of that shit. By the way, sorry about disappearing so frequently, it’s been a rough year but there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I hope to be back at it soon.

Hi Crankster, no, I’m ashamed to admit there’s a Vonnegut book that I have not read. I will remedy that situation as soon as I can.

1:19 AM, August 29, 2007  
Blogger Goncalo Veiga said...

What da heck is this last comment?!

Hey Slaggie, what you up to man? Getting healthier? Cheers from Portugal

12:35 PM, September 04, 2007  
Blogger Kara said...


That is all.

Actually, no it's not. My word verification is "ffukvmn" which I choose to read as "fuck vermin".

Good day.

1:54 PM, September 04, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hey Goncalo, I have no idea what that was all about. I read a paragraph or two and that was all I all I could handle. On the health issue, the answer is yes, then no, then yes, and currently no. I’m working on it though.

Hi Kara, yes ma’am.

4:30 PM, September 04, 2007  
Blogger kim possible said...

While on the net, it captured my attention the way you've posted this type of topic and i found it well informative at the same time very entertaining to read. Regarding on Deep Discount DVD, you can also review my Rifleman DVD and hope you will be able to find it interesting and relative in terms of TV shows on DVD. Thanks...

4:13 AM, September 20, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Kim, how many people did the rifleman gun down? They were all in self defense of course but I think it was somewhere around 175.

11:11 AM, September 29, 2007  

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