Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Blog Loot

I won a box of internet loot in a caption contest at Judith’s blog a while back. The treasure chest traveled thousands of miles across the ocean, from Ireland all the way to Texas, arriving at a post office no more than a few miles from our house.
I have more than one address, in fact, I have several. There’s the business address and the home address and also a post office box. I have packages sent to the P.O. Box because our postman gets bent out of shape over having to get out of his little postman-mobile when boxes show up. I installed a larger mailbox, the biggest I could find, still not big enough.
Long story short, I was terrified of giving Judith the wrong address, international shipping after all, so I was very careful when I emailed the info. So careful in fact that I screwed up the zip code. The post office promptly sent my winnings all the way back to Ireland. I am known as a very meticulous person, anal in fact, and yet still prone to bouts of buffoonery.

Judith re-sent the package and it arrived here a few days ago, tattered and obviously opened and resealed, possibly three or four times judging by the layers of different kinds of tape. Those postal handlers are a curious breed.

The first item is a she-demon riding a banana. She’s holding her decapitated head in her lap and seems overly excited to be doing so. Naturally, I scoured Deuteronomy and Leviticus in an effort to put a name to the beast, but I had no luck at all. This seemed more than a little odd to me because, while Leviticus might occasionally fall short as a spiritual “search engine” of sorts, Deuteronomy never lets me down. Hmmm.

The second item is a bottle of what is described in the fine print as “Brown Sauce.” I checked and the contents are in fact brown. All appeared perfectly innocent at this point except for the name on the front label, “HP.”
As many of you are aware, I was recently victimized by a treacherous band of thieves and liars. Through several blog posts, I described how I had been driven to the brink of technicidal rage and ultimately screwed out of a sizeable sum of money by a name-brand computer manufacturer. Month after month, they plowed deeper into my pocket. Time after time, they thrust their faulty equipment into my office. I begged for mercy, they responded by flipping me over and toasting the backside. I threatened them with legal action; they transferred me to an operative who called himself “Merle Ricardo.” His job was to wear me down through stuttering miscommunication and when the time was right, to throw sand in my crack in preparation for corporate sodomy. Time and time again, they plundered my village and now, with my wounds still fresh and reeking of burnt wiring and extruded polycarbonate, I get a suspicious package in the mail containing a bottle of “HP” sauce and a voodoo doll in blood-red shoes armed with a banana.
Judith, if that is your real name, I never mentioned the name of the computer manufacturer, how could you have known? And what about this, Merle Ricardo is the only person who has ever threatened to “banana me with egg salad service.” I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, but it is all becoming clear to me now.

For those of you unconvinced by the evidence presented thus far, consider the remaining contents of the box.
A cigarette smoking nun! A nun that is smoking a cigarette! When you add the words nun and cigarette together phonetically, drop the “nun” then join the new word with Merle, you get “Merle Re-gar-te.” That’s right, Merle Ricardo!

A butt plug, carved from a single piece of bone, human bone in my estimate, or wood maybe. Either way, it is certainly designed to inflict pain and not pleasure as the ribbed surface might otherwise suggest. Once again, it all seems innocent enough until you consider that I had on numerous occasions told Merle Ricardo that he should shove all manner of things up his ass. I am certain one of my suggestions included a block of wood. I’m usually not a rude person but I assumed he couldn’t understand most of what I was saying anyway.

And last, but not least, a bar of “Dairy Milk” chocolate. Judith, or whatever they call you at corporate headquarters, I finally understand Merle Ricardo’s bizarre directive that I “put dairy milk bars in Henry’s chicken spleen.” You can tell your overlords that I’m on to their scheme. Tell them that I ate the chocolate, stowed the banana riding she-devil in a well secured box of Christmas ornaments, taped the nun to the top of my monitor, sanded the corners off the plug and they can say adios to the HP sauce.
It turns out that your so-called “brown sauce” has nothing at all to do with feces. Who could fault me for thinking “brown sauce” was a euphemism. Nope, brown sauce is what we in this part of the world call “bar-b-que” sauce. I rebottled it, added garlic and a couple of fresh jalapeños from the garden and I will be putting it to use on the grill next weekend. We will be having bar-b-qued chicken spleens, but I’m sure your sources have already informed you of that.


Blogger Glamourpuss said...

You have adulterated the HP sauce?! Heathen!! HP ('Houses of Parliament' in case you hadn't guessed), is one of our finest condiments and should be eaten with a fry up, not barbecued whatever. Tsk.

Frankly, I thought better of you...


6:54 AM, June 12, 2007  
Blogger ian said...

Your she-demon is a DC Comics character named Harley Quinn. She's in love with the Joker. There's no accounting for some tastes.

Card-carrying geek

8:14 AM, June 12, 2007  
Blogger Jazz said...

It's not BBQ sauce, it's STEAK sauce! and you added garlic and jalapeno???

As Glamourpuss says: Heathen!!!

9:31 AM, June 12, 2007  
Blogger Hammer said...

Awesome loot. I need to run me one of those contests.

HP still giving you trouble?

Those guys are A-Holes they refused to honor the warranty on 100 defective fax machine/printers that all mysteriously went tits up within a month of each other.

10:25 AM, June 12, 2007  
Blogger Kara said...

Oh god...the whole "drop the 'nun' and add 'merle'" bit has me tittering too much to write anything witty. I just can't. It was too good. I feel so inadequate at this moment...but so joyful too. It's like being tied up. Or so I hear.

10:58 AM, June 12, 2007  
Blogger Cheesy said...

Such fun gifts... but sorry for the parcel woe! But tattered package was probably from customs and not postal related.. just FYI.
Dammit too bad it was your PO box.. hard to track with a bad zip due to duplicate box #'s.
Son just left said HP company.. he was tired or their "brown sauce" treatment of him and customers, and has returned to hometown! It was win win win for all!
Should I bring tater salad to the BBQ? :O)

11:11 AM, June 12, 2007  
Blogger Evil Spock said...

Your Harley Quinn arrived broken! I'm a big comics fan, and that made me sad . . .

11:54 AM, June 12, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Glamourpuss, I am so embarrassed, I thought HP stood for Hewlett Packard. Not to worry, I kept about a fourth of the bottle in order to follow the directions on the label which state, “Great for spicing up chips, bacon sandwiches, sausages and snacks such as jacket potatoes and baked beans.
In my defense, I offer this excuse. We are severely deficient of many things here in Texas. It’s almost impossible to find good seafood. Fresh edible vegetables are limited to farmer’s markets and what you can grow in your own back yard. Healthcare and public education are in a state of disrepair and we apparently can’t turn out a decent president to save our lives. But there is one thing we have an unlimited surplus of, barbeque sauce. We paint our houses with it, wear it as sunscreen and even use it as a personal lubricant. There are hundreds of different brands; stacks of them line the shelves of every store. There are state-sanctioned barbeque sauces and festivals that celebrate their own particular blends and every one of these sauces begin their lives with the same essential ingredients, basically, HP Sauce with more or less pepper to cut the molasses. I fear we have bastardized another British tradition. But before you discount the concept completely, toast some finely chopped garlic, roast a chili pepper on an open flame, preferably a jalapeno, de-skin and de-vein the pepper, puree the two and add them to your beloved HP sauce. Just make sure you try it the first time in a darkened room with candles aflicker, Muddy Waters playing in the background, and a beer (Guinness?) in hand.

Hi Ian, that explains why I was not able to find a reference to her in the old testament.

Hey Jazz, surely you are not suggesting putting sauce on steak after it’s cooked. No, I must have misunderstood. Sauces, if used on meat at all, must be applied during the grilling process in order for the juices to commingle and morph into an integrated flavor that only hints of the vinegar, tomatoes and molasses that form the basis of all barbeque sauces, including the much vaunted HP sauce. Direct application of sauce after cooking should be reserved for the lesser quality meats, your possum and raccoon varieties, and of course sewer rat.

Hi Hammer, I like your hammer-headed avatar. By the way, never trust a multi-function machine. They are liars, they promise all kinds of shit and they deliver nothing but heartache and misery.

Hi Kara, I am not familiar with that word, but according to Deuteronomy, the penalty for tittering is thirty shekels, a bull, and you must me taken to an unclean place outside the city gates where you will be stoned. I hope you put on your clean underwear this morning.

Hi Cheesy, your son worked for the Houses of Parliament? Please ask him if he knows Merle Ricardo. I have a beef to pick with that guy. Regarding my postal snafu, it was all my fault.

Spaawwwwwwwwwk!, I was planning to glue the head back on but I’ve grown fond of her just the way she is.

12:10 PM, June 12, 2007  
Blogger Judith said...

I havent read this all But NO !!! Harley quinns head is snapped???????!!! WTF!!!! She was in ONE piece when I sent her !!!

3:33 PM, June 12, 2007  
Blogger Judith said...

Slaggy if you could be so kind to send me the actual address of the post office that screens the mail Ill be sending them over some brown sauce alright! Im mighty pissed off about harley still! On the other hand you may have ruined the sensation of the butt plug but hey horses for courses! Merle Ricardo insisted I should encrust it in sand but when it came to the crunch I couldnt do it - Ive grown fond of you slaggy but my sources may now punish me since I havent complied with all their wishes.. There is , I believe a bounty on my head and now I must shuffle off this Identity , and take the next plane to my new life in botswana where I will live under the guise of Ambrose Termonfeckin, farewell and keep safe O warrior of Brown sauce

3:51 PM, June 12, 2007  
Blogger Scott from Oregon said...

Brown sauce is one of those delectables that looks the same going out, as it did going in.

DO an experiment- if you will- and you shall see...

11:47 PM, June 12, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Ambrose Termonfeckin, not to worry, I will return the she-devil’s head to its anatomically correct position with super glue. I kind of like the idea of keeping her head where it is but I will put it back in the interest of historical accuracy. Regarding the plug, I’ve decided I will keep it in my little pottery shop to use as a press mold. Those “ribs” will be forever imprinted on pottery that might be dug from the ground a hundred thousand years in the future. Probably by a species of earthlings that evolve from the ashes and rubble of our civilization long after we’ve forced ourselves into extinction. By the way, what does that carving represent? Is it some kind of druid idol?

Hi Scott, I eat a lot of stuff that actually looks better coming out than it does going in. So this should be an improvement.

11:09 AM, June 13, 2007  
Blogger Judith said...

Its a king chess piece my friend that doubles as a butt plug!

2:50 PM, June 13, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

I knew it!!!! I can spot one of those things from a mile away.

6:22 PM, June 13, 2007  
Blogger Stucco said...

Wow. Shades of... what was it? The Kentucky Fried Movie? "Brown 24" Heh. There seems to be a "brown" theme these days with me. I've been harangued recently about rinsing dog shit off my shoe in the kitchen sink. (Yes, I cleaned the sink afterwards).

11:44 PM, June 13, 2007  
Blogger Anne said...

Whew! That's some medieval-looking butt plug. Guess ya like it rough, huh?

1:03 PM, June 14, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hey Stucco, I had a roommate once who had a habit of cleaning the toilets, rinsing her toilet cleaning gear out in the kitchen sink, and then making salads in that same kitchen sink only hours later. She ate lots of salads and was right on top of the toilet cleaning scheme. I politely let her know that I really didn’t eat salads that shared sink space with shit stained scratch pads and sponges. Her answer was always “BLEACH!”
There’s just something about turds that make me uneasy when they get too close to my food, call me anal.

Hi Anne, as you might guess by my preference for tiny fingered urologists, butt plugs and I don’t really get along all that well. I can always find other uses for them though.

7:35 PM, June 14, 2007  
Blogger ibrahim said...

Great post, always a pleasure to read...well apart from the squeemish bits.

5:30 AM, June 15, 2007  
Blogger Starrlight said...

Dude that is no she demon, that is Harley Quinn from Batman. She is joker's girlfriend and my alter ego according to my ex :P

8:17 PM, June 17, 2007  
Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

LOL at the House of Parliament sauce!
Considering what you went through with HP, it's only appropriate that it would be doo-doo brown!

7:22 PM, June 18, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Ibrahim, thanks and I apologize ahead of time for any future squeamish content. By the way, I was able drop by your blog for a short visit, interesting stuff in there. My blog time is still cut short by back problems, as well as those other more squeamish issues, but I plan to read more at your place in the near future.

Hey Starrlight, I guess I better catch up on my batman trivia. On the other hand, I’m not ready to let go of the she-demon thing so maybe I’ll do that later. I guess I’ll have to wait until then to figure out whether your ex was complimenting you, or otherwise.

Hi Skinny, these days I’m hating anything with HP on it, in it, or in close proximity to it.

10:25 PM, June 18, 2007  
Blogger Mystic Wing said...

Gawd almighty, just finished reading previous description of your recent malady, and am now nearly sick myself with empathetic pain.

Glad you're back. Take care of your nuts from here on, okay?

1:06 PM, June 19, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Mystic Wing, the gods have frowned on me lately. However, I engage in frequent burnt offerings to the mighty Zeus and I never ever look a cat directly in the eyes. I’m doing everything right now so I’m sure my luck will turn around soon.

10:04 PM, June 21, 2007  
Blogger Irene said...

Those are some treasures you got there! The cigarette-smoking nun is my favorite. Can I have it please? ;p

9:59 PM, June 27, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Irene, you must know that there is some risk in owning a smoking nun. Deuteronomy is very clear about this. If not handled properly, you could easily end up being taken outside the city gates, to an unclean place no less, and stoned. I’m not talking about the good kind of stoned either. I’m talking about the kind that you can’t buy your way out of with 30 shekels and a bull. I can get away with it because I’m a guy and we all know Deuteronomy is skewed heavily in favor the dude’s point of view. I think I have a boxing nun around here somewhere, if I can find it, you can have that instead. Deuteronomy is all about whipping ass so it should be safe to keep in the house.

6:36 PM, June 28, 2007  
Blogger Whippersnapper said...

I was really jealous of all the loot you won because I never win anything, and then my name was pulled out of the hat at my kid's Nursery wind-up raffle on Friday. I won a children's book called Annie and the Wild Animals.

Hmmphh, I guess I still am really jealous of all the loot you won.

8:40 PM, July 01, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Whippersnapper, my first inclination was to downplay my loot to make you feel better about your loot, but my loot is just too damn good. Jilly and I are still diggin on the Hewlett Packard Sauce and I wind up my cigarette smoking nun up every morning to start the day. Yay for me and my loot!

12:52 AM, July 02, 2007  
Blogger Gledwood said...

hmmm you seem to be well into the brit food!

brown sauce among its other virtues of going brilliantly with sausage, egg and chips (that's french fries to you) has a fantastic knack of cleaning copper coins to a fine shine over night!

cadbury's chocolate is inimitably the best if you have a liking for genuinely MILK chocolate

thanxx for the message you left at mine... i do get the point... did you see my daydream post.. when i actually caught myself out daydreaming about being clean... that is a true sign of the times ... i cannot see myself ever dreaming about that before ...

ok all the best to you
i shall be in touch again soon


10:35 AM, July 02, 2007  
Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

Email me your PO Box address, please, I'm sure I can find something here that is unique to Australia that I can send you ;)

2:57 AM, July 03, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Gledwood, regarding brit food, I’m curious about the British inclination to eat organ meats from a can. I had a British friend years ago who visited her family once a year and came back with cans of “Breakfast Tongue” and other not-so-savory sounding delicacies. I’ll try almost any food offering once, but breakfast tongue will likely never happen. And yes, I’ve had Cadbury’s and I agree it is a mighty fine milk chocolate.

Hi Orhan, I will be changing my address to a new PO Box at a different station in the very near future. I’ll email the new address as soon as the switch is complete. I will send you something from Texas to return the favor.

10:33 PM, July 04, 2007  
Blogger Crankster said...

Somehow, I always knew that Jude had powers beyond the reach of the average blogger. Thanks for the evidence!

1:05 PM, August 08, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Crankster, nepharious she is. But I have it all figured out now.

12:53 AM, August 10, 2007  

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