Thursday, March 01, 2007

Roasting Marshmallows

As mentioned in an earlier post titled Volcano Head’s Little Trick, my skeleton hurts. I could go into all of the reasons why it hurts but I don’t want to be accused of gilding the lily, not that I mind gilding lilies. In fact, if you have a lily or anything else that needs gilding, I’m your man. The point is that the lilies are piling up around here because I can’t sit in a damn chair for more than a few minutes at a time without falling to the ground and screaming out in pain, which brings us back to my skeleton.

As pretty much all of my current maladies are self-inflicted, I expect no sympathy. The only reason I mention it is because my blog life has suffered considerably and the excuses are beginning to wear thin. I will be forever grateful to Stucco for pointing out the obvious and suggesting that I get a “lappy.” At first I was a little confused about how a lap dance could possibly be the solution when in all likelihood it was part of the problem. Long story short, I was lying on the ground in a pool of my own tears when Stucco’s words finally made sense to me, “LAPTOP.”

So I did it. Longer story even shorter, I bought a laptop, it crashed and had to be sent for repair, which resulted in another five days of agony sitting at my desktop computer. The laptop found its way back into my possession, finally some relief, and it promptly caught fire in my lap. I would be most pleased to report that the flames were licking at my flailing legs as I tried to escape the inferno, but this particular lily needs no further gilding. I removed the battery, took the little bastard outside, and regained control of myself just short of unhinging the outer shell with ten-pound sledgehammer (not to be confused with a “slaghammer.”)

That was eleven days ago and the replacement laptop just showed up on my front porch twenty short minutes ago. I should be happy to have it I know, but the (documented) twenty-three phone calls it took to straighten out the mess have rendered me less that amiable at the moment. It appears that all of the logistical issues that I encountered stemmed from an obscure division within the computer manufacturer’s hierarchy called the “Smoke and Fire” department. I find it less than encouraging that they even have a “Smoke and Fire” department in the first place, but they do and I guess that turned out to be a good thing.

I haven’t mentioned the manufacturer by name because my dealings with them are not yet over and I might need them again. I’ll be firing up the replacement lappy for the first time as soon as I post this diatribe and who knows, I might be asking them to pony up for skin grafts or prosthetic limbs in the near future. I know from the few days that I had a functional laptop that it was the right thing to do. I could actually feel my bones re-stacking themselves in proper order. So now let the healing begin, or the organ transplants. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Oh yeah, I forgot, today's my birthday. Yea for me!


Blogger Hammer said...

That sounds like one hot lappy ;)

4:46 PM, March 01, 2007  
Blogger Stucco said...

The lappy rhymes with "hell"?

And don't underestimate the medicinal value of a lap dance. I had shistosomiosis, chronic fatigue, brain swelling, gout, and scurvy in my post-pubescence years until a mysterious travelling pole dancer from the east named Roxene cured me with a lap dance (with release).

4:57 PM, March 01, 2007  
Blogger Stucco said...

and I should've check my spelling- it's schistosomiasis...

4:59 PM, March 01, 2007  
Blogger Crankster said...

1. Congrats on your birthday!

2. Good luck with the new laptop.

3. JESUS CHRIST, are you kidding me?!? Your laptop caught on fire!

7:28 PM, March 01, 2007  
Blogger mist1 said...

Remind me to tell my lappy that I love him.

9:00 PM, March 01, 2007  
Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

Happy Birthday Slaghammer! (not to be confused with sledgehammer...LOL;)
Aw man, I hate that your bones are hurting you & hopefully the Lappy will help.

10:04 PM, March 01, 2007  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Sorry about your bones, Slaghammer. Skeletons, eh? They keep you up but let you down.

You know, nobody calls them laptops any more. Something to do with Laura Bush and a copyright lawsuit and a White-House cover-up into her sordid past? Did anyone else hear that? Anyways, they're "notebooks" now ooooh-foldeeroldeesnarfsnarf. Get with the Noughties, man!

Sorry to hear about your rubbish computer luck. I'm not a very technical person but I know flames aren't good. Better luck to you.

And many happy returns on your birthday.

(Aside, querulously and sotto vocerously: Everyone's having a birthday. I want one. Mumble)

11:06 PM, March 01, 2007  
Blogger Evil Spock said...

Have a happy b-day! Oh, and you should get the other kind of lappy as a present to yourself!

12:01 AM, March 02, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hey Hammer, more stinky than anything else. The house smelled like fried computer for the rest of the day.

Hi Stucco, I’ve never had the pleasure of hosting scurvy that I know of, but I’ve had a few go-arounds with your other little friends, including I’m sorry to say, gout. I can remember few things more painful than that medieval affliction. I’ll try a lap dance (from Jilly of course) next time around and report back the results.

Hi Crankster, thanks. Regarding the lappy, so far so good and yes, the bastard flamed out on me. As I mentioned, the problem is apparently common enough to warrant the creation of an entire department dedicated to putting the fires out.

Hi Mist1, it’s probably better to let your lappy wonder. Certainty breeds complacency and you know what happens then. Actually, I have no idea what happens then, I was hoping you could tell me.

Hi Skinny, sledgehammers are mindless tools of destruction, slaghammers are mindful tools of creation, sort of. It’s not like I’m comparing them to paint brushes but more like Black-n-Decker cordless drills but without the battery and moving parts. Thanks for the well-wishes and I’m sure my bones will return to their normal state of “pending collapse” in no time.

Hi Sam, I haven’t heard of the lawsuit against Laura. However, I’m pretty sure her smile is copyrighted by Eli Lilly Pharmaceutical, Inc. It is only fair that they receive compensation for infringement. Regarding laptops/notebooks, I have decided that from now on I will refer to them as “devil boxes.” Btw, lately I’ve been feeling a little soto vocerous myself. That does mean “hungry” doesn’t it. Damn Google let me down again.

Hey Evil Spock, I’ll take the matter up with Jilly. We celebrate “birthweek” here instead of birthdays so I still have a few days to get it worked into the game plan.

2:55 AM, March 02, 2007  
Blogger Judith said...

Hmm with time zones I think Ive missed your birthday so
Statistics prove, prove that you've one birthday,
one birthday ev'ry year.
But there are three hundred and sixty four
That is why we're gathered here to cheer.
A very merry unbirthday to you, to you.
A very merry unbirthday to you,
It's great to drink to someone and I guess that you will do.
A very merry unbirthday to you

3:02 AM, March 02, 2007  
Blogger Goncalo Veiga said...

What a post!

First of all a (one day late) Happy Birthday! Hope it still counts! Are you revealing how many springs? ;)

Secondly, some companies just suck! I had this friend of mine that bought a laptop and four months later it started giving her problems, until on the fifth month it stopped working. She sent it to repair and after a month waiting they sent her the pc... with a broken screen and greasy keyboards.. Let's just say it took her two more months and, after that period, she decided to ask for the money back and bought another brand!

By the way: I'm having a lily infestation. Do I dial xxxx-L-I-L-Y-E-X-T-E-R-M-I-N-A-T-O-R?!

5:23 AM, March 02, 2007  
Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Happy birthday, Slaghammer. I've never had my lily gilded but I'll try anything once.

Sore bones should seek Saw Bones, no?


7:53 AM, March 02, 2007  
Blogger Cheesy said...

Happy Birthday buddy!
Ya know I've kind of always imagined you with something hot in your lap... but cripes... I envisioned it to be me!
So happy to see you back in blogland... you've been missed!
We want pics and details of Jilly's dancing!

10:44 AM, March 02, 2007  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

No, see Laura's lawsuit was for infringing on her copyright for the "Librarian Lap-Top" dance against the usage of the name "lap-top" which ahd entered the common parlance to such a degree, people could no longer associated it with her or remember what a tiger she once was. She sued all of us, you know - the whole country - but it was hushed up by Scooter Libby.

Wasn't that eminently clear from my only barely garbled comment of last evening, then?

You'll need to find a name other than "devil boxes" though. I've already co-opted it for Lego.

11:34 AM, March 02, 2007  
Blogger Anne said...

Happy (belated) Birthday!!!
Sorry to hear about your laptop. You didn't injure anything important, did you? I sure hope your bones feel better.

1:11 PM, March 02, 2007  
Blogger Scott from Oregon said...

+That's when you should have madly typed your opus, man!

Happy B-day too.

1:56 PM, March 02, 2007  
Blogger Sarah said...

Happy Birthday! Was it the battery in your lap top that caught on fire ? There's a big lawsuit going on I think regarding this. Lots of spontaneous combustion on lappies all over the world.Hope you weren't hurt.S

9:23 AM, March 03, 2007  
Blogger Laura(southernxyl) said...

Happy birthweek.

I seem to remember a godawful SF story about a man who was obsessed with his skeleton, worried that it wanted out, and finally was relieved of it and turned into a jellyfish ... or maybe I dreamed it.

No, my husband remembers it too.

9:07 PM, March 03, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Judith, I see you’ve been watching old Disney flicks. Thanks for the Unbirthday Song.

Hey Goncalo, a solid forty-seven. It looks like I might be on the same track as your friend as far as the computer is concerned. The one they sent to replace the flamed-out piece of *%^& is now overheating badly. So far, the case has topped one hundred and thirty-five degrees. I can only leave it running for thirty or forty minutes before I have to turn the damn thing off. Isn’t one hundred and forty degrees considered medium rare?
Regarding your lilies, just polish them up and post them.

Hi Glamourpuss, saw bones says seek help elsewhere. They get all unhappy when they run out of options.

Hey Cheesy, it might take a while to talk Jilly into letting me post her dancing. Stay tuned.

Hi Sam, that Scooter Libby seems to have his greedy little pecker in all kinds of our business. The least he could do is throw us a damn bone…maybe I should rephrase that…

Hi Anne, so far I’ve come away from the experience with no physical injuries other than the part of my brain that melted down after the fifteenth tech call, ugh.

Hi Scott from Oregon, looking back on the experience, I did waste a few moments of inspiration. If I could have braved the flames for just a few minutes longer, who knows what might have come of it. Btw, the replacement computer they sent is cooking my legs as I write. The keyboard is running just above 125 at the moment but the base is fast approaching 130 degrees again. Looks like this one is going back to the factory as soon as they send a box with a return shipping label.

Hi Sarah, it wasn’t the battery, I suspect it was the power supply. The power supply in my very first computer back in 1993 suffered a minor explosion and blew a small amount of shrapnel out the rear vent. Damn computers.

Hi Laura, things would have been so much better if we had evolved exoskeletons instead of these fragile internal frames. We could have been just like crabs. I mean the crustaceans, not the nasty kind.

1:40 AM, March 04, 2007  
Blogger Orhan Kahn said...


4:12 AM, March 04, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Orhan, thanks.

4:53 AM, March 04, 2007  
Blogger Jazz said...

Happy Birthday Slag! And as for the fire... why is it these things happen only to you? Just wondering.

9:19 AM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Jazz, it's a family curse that I've lived with all my adult life. I say "all my adult life" because the curse only afflicts males in the family after puberty. Actually, it's only random males in the family and not every male. Ok dammit! It's only me and my father unit, but he deserves it and I don't. Ok ok, I guess I deserve it as much as he does.

8:33 AM, March 06, 2007  
Blogger Kara said...

I tried and tried to comment on this and wish you happy fucking birthday but the fucking word verification wouldn't fucking work. so happy fucking belated birthday.

10:12 AM, March 06, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Kara, I hate that fucking word verification, it happens to me all the time. Regarding your wish for me to have a happy birthday, I’m sorry but the cutoff date for HB Submissions was yesterday. Your HB wishes will be applied to the following year unless you apply for a refund by tomorrow, in which case your submission will be returned to you within 360 business days, c.o.d. of course.

12:21 PM, March 06, 2007  

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