Monday, March 05, 2007

Stargate and Fried Chicken

In case you were wondering, the video has nothing to do with the following comments.

According to my meat thermometer, the one I keep in my pants, pocket I mean, the one I keep handy when I’m cooking, in the kitchen…sweet mother of Zeus! Does everything have to be about sex with you guys? Anyway, I was talking about my penis I MEAN MY MEAT THERMOMETER! Now you have me doing it. According to my meat thermometer, the new laptop, or “notebook,” computer sent by the manufacturer to replace the one that caught fire is apparently capable of cooking a standard size cut of beef to a solid medium rare. That is 130 to 135 degrees Fahrenheit for my vegan friends.

How lucky am I? Not only does my brand new shiny laptop crunch numbers and render graphics with aplomb, it doubles as a pancake griddle and slow-cook crock-pot. To be fair, the keyboard maintains a balmy 117 to 125 degrees under most conditions. It is only when I “type” and “compute” that things really start to heat up.

A friendly tech support person assured me that this is completely normal and that I should purchase a peripheral USB cooling device to help lower the temperature and shield my delicate loins from heat related discomfort. Friendly tech person number two confirmed this assessment and then he unwisely transferred me to a hardware tech who quickly informed me that support persons one and two were retarded.

I told my new friend that I figured something wasn’t right when my scrambled eggs stuck to the keyboard even after a good swabbing with bacon grease and I wasn’t about to use Pam, not in my kitchen I said! He asked if he could put me on hold for “two minutes.”

I wondered how many millions of dollars they must have squandered researching the music that plays during telephone hold time. They chose an upbeat but not overly happy tune with a soothing undertone, a soulless and laughable attempt at mood manipulation. Mr. Hardware Tech left me hanging there for well over fifteen minutes listening to that drivel, but I didn’t mind. By the time he got back to me, I had calmed down considerably and felt oddly passive. The bitterness had melted away and I felt something along the lines of love for those hard working and underappreciated support persons. I think he told me they were going to fix the computer. I don’t remember exactly but I do know that Pam No-Stick Spray now comes in Organic Olive Oil and Canola Oil flavors. I wonder if I can get that thing to fry chicken.


Blogger Jazz said...

If you discover the way to fry your chicken with the lappy, you might want to consider writing a laptop cookbook for all those computer geeks who spend all their time on their computers.

9:21 AM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger mist1 said...

I love hold music. I have even asked to be put back on hold just to hear the end of a song. I asked if they sold the cd. They didn't.

11:00 AM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger Mystic Wing said...

Welcome to the ranks. I think my loins are now permanently scarred red from years of laptop computing in airports, etc.

Despite this, I couldn't live without the damn thing. Wireless internet is the only thing that makes boring meetings bearable. I sometimes cruise radical left-wing political blogs when marketing people give presentations. It makes me look really busy and important, and they have no idea I think they're utterly full of shit.

5:53 PM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger Scott from Oregon said...

I was thinking about how long my coffee would stay warm in th mornings...

I have nothing to say because of it...

10:22 PM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger Whippersnapper said...

I'm a high school teacher, and I'm frankly sick of running out over my lunch hour to buy pregnancy kits for semi-hysterical teenage girls. When I get off mat. leave I'm going to petition the school board to distribute those laptops to every male between the ages of 14 and 21 within a 50 km radius of my school. I'm going to personally see that every one of their spermatozoa is fried to a crisp, so help me god, because if I have to lecture another 15-year-old about how to pee on the stick properly, I will probably have to strangle someone.

Thanks for the great idea!

10:52 PM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Jazz, not a bad idea. I’ve always said there’s more to life than pot pies, pizza rolls and ramen noodles. I have a great recipe for sausage flavored Jello.

Hey Mist1, with few exceptions, hold music is like aversion therapy for me. Not only am I conditioned to hate the melody, I ultimately lose all respect for the individual notes as well. Those bastards!

Hi Mystic Wing, you might want to take extra precautions while visiting the zoo. Some of our primate friends consider red loins an indication of sexual receptivity. I shudder to think of the consequences.

Hi Scott from Oregon, I’m pretty sure this little lappy could convert your coffee to a brown stain in the bottom of your cup in a few short minutes.

Hi Whippersnapper, thanks for dropping by. I’m fairly certain all of my little swimmers have been turned to sinkers over the last few days. I think you might have something there.

11:56 PM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger Judith said...

you would think having forked out all that money it wouldnt be too much to ask it not to fry your knackers off? But to add insult to injury they are telling you to buy a fan so it does not go up in flames? Id be sending it back , with a demand for reimbursment and another to wedge it up their hole! Its just so so wrong, they should be giving you a nurse to soothe you back to full health and compensation to boot!

3:39 AM, March 06, 2007  
Blogger Glamourpuss said...

Give me a mac anyday.

I don't let them put me on hold - as soon as they answer, I ask to speak to a supervisor.

But glad you're feeling calm!


7:52 AM, March 06, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Judith, I have a pair of four-stitch Tony Llama cowhide boots (leftovers from my previous life as a redneck) that I would gladly shine up all nice and pretty for the chance to kick the dirty bastards in their respective rectums. Those boots have seen their share of bovine dung and I’m sure tech droid dingle-berries would cause them no harm.

Hi Glamourpuss, it’s a strange thing, I only feel calm when I’m on hold with that soothing music droning on and on…

12:38 PM, March 06, 2007  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

You know they filmed that Starship episode in my washing machine; it's cheaper than using a Hollywood washer but we're still handy for the major studios, and the soap dispenser makes an excellent green room for the tiny, tiny actors.

Have someone check your eyeballs aren't spinning from the muzak. The effects are temporary, I believe, but it plays merry hell with your fine motor skills. Do not attempt to sew anything after having been on hold.


2:36 PM, March 06, 2007  
Blogger Anne said...

Oh goodness! Watch out you don't damage your meat thermometer. You may want to use that again some time. :D

3:15 PM, March 06, 2007  
Blogger Edukator said...

Haven't had a chance to check your blog in awhile. Thanks for the posts on mine! I can't believe you managed to type through the scrambled egg, bacon and steaming hot pancakes. Now that's dedication.

5:23 PM, March 06, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Sam, funny you mention sewing. I don’t know why it’s funny, it just is. I actually own an old sewing machine that I inherited back in the early eighties. It turned out to be an extremely useful tool and I saved a bundle repairing my work clothes, which were constantly in shreds. I still fire it up on occasion and I still operate it much like a lawn mower, full throttle with no concern for the shards of broken needles that litter my workspace.

Hi Anne, I guess I should have thought of that before getting cozy with an Easy Bake Oven.

Hey Edukator, stop, you’re making me hungry. Besides, I’ve already tried to mitigate the detrimental effects of my love affair with food by redefining it as “dedication.” Any way you look at it, it is gluttony plain and simple

12:14 AM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger Cheesy said...

Looks like dinner will be at your house?! gl gl With getting this situation under control..

10:20 AM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger At said...

I'm lost. And it's ok...I like it that way.

3:10 PM, March 07, 2007  
Anonymous kara said...

And I appeared as "at"...which makes me even more lost. What the fuck? I'm getting an inkling that your blog is trying to cut me out. Well maybe I'll cut IT out first!

3:12 PM, March 07, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Cheesy, how do fried lard planks and velveeta logs sound? Mmmmm.

Hi At, it’s ok, just go towards the light.

Hi Kara, I think you should give At some space. I know it’s hard to let go after all these years but she has moved on. Just remember all the good times you had together and be happy for her. Btw, try not to antagonize my blog. You’ll make it angry and I’ll end up having to wear turtle necks and sunglasses when I leave the house.

12:28 AM, March 08, 2007  
Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

LOL, so I guess you can cook, eat & blog ALL while in bed! The benefit to having a laptop that is also a grill top is that bacon makes everything better ;) Really they should just send you another computer & get it right.

8:32 PM, March 08, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Skinny, another replacement arrived today. So far, it’s running a little cooler than its predecessors so I might have to figure out another way to cook my dinner while lounging in bed.

1:26 AM, March 09, 2007  
Blogger Sarah said...

What a fantastic idea! I get quite irritated that I have to stop blogging/reading blogs to go and cook food for my ravening family. Now all I have to do is buy a laptop and I can read/write as I cook. Thank you so much for the inspiration, and I'm sorry that you had to undergo thigh burns to enable me to realise this fact. You are, indeed, a wonderful man. S

10:22 AM, March 09, 2007  
Blogger Mimi Lenox said...

Hysterical! And so explains my hot flashes.....

3:55 PM, March 09, 2007  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I like my laptop on cold mornings before anyone's up. So warm and companionable. Mine's a bit of an old war-horse. We go back a long way.

8:17 PM, March 09, 2007  
Blogger Yasamin said...

he unwisely transferred me to a hardware tech who quickly informed me that support persons one and two were retarded.

*snort* i love tech support. they make me feel completely incompetent. i wish i could meet them. and cuddle them. and smother them. and bury them in the back yard. ;D

oh and meat thermometers are for wussies. live on the edge! go without! you never know when you're going to burn the hell out of something.

10:22 PM, March 10, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Sarah, the needs of the many outweigh the burns on my thighs. You know, as if my laptop were not already the most versatile tool in the kitchen and bedroom, the damn thing pops a mean bag of popcorn too. Is there anything I cannot cook with this computer?

Hi Mimi, I recommend chilled chocolate compresses for those hot flashes. Just throw four or five Dove Milk Chocolate Miniatures in the fridge and cool to 40 degrees Fahrenheit. Remove one at a time and hold the encoldened ™ compresses to the top of your tongue and don’t even think of coming at me that that “Dark chocolate is better” balderdash. Dark chocolate is a bitter, fetid, disgusting lie. It promises everything and delivers nothing but disappointment.

Hi Sam, I wish my lappy and I got along as well as you guys do. Mine rides my back like a hairless crack-head monkey. If it weren’t for my jacked up back bones, I would sell it in a heartbeat.

Hi Yasamin, if only bile were a marketable commodity. I’ve cleared well over fifty tech calls over the last sixty days (for multiple home office components) and it appears that I’ve become a bile manufacturing facility. I spelled my name four times in a row for a tech support person a few days ago. Jilly witnessed the whole affair with mouth agape. Regarding your vicious attack on meat thermometers, I agree. I used mine once to warp up a rack of prime ribs and a few times in my pottery shop and that’s about it.

11:43 PM, March 10, 2007  
Blogger Whippersnapper said...

Hey! Arghh! I left you a happy birthday post, and it is NOT THERE!! I keep messing my comments up, I think I'm screwing up the word verification.

**seriously pissed off**

11:48 PM, March 10, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Whippersnapper, I’ve found that if I leave the comment box open too long, it goes unstable and is likely to fail so I write my comments in a word file and paste them in the comment box right after it comes up. I also increase my chances of success by burning sacrifices to the mighty Zeus. Yesterday it was hamburgers on the grill. Zeus is partial to his hamburgers.

12:00 AM, March 11, 2007  
Blogger Mimi Lenox said...


I couldn't find your email address. I'd like to send you some information about peace globes. Wanna participate this year?

12:04 AM, March 11, 2007  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

But Hera worries about Zeus's cholesterol and wish more people would start sacrificing nice green salads.

9:59 PM, March 11, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Mimi, what in tarnation is a peace globe? I’ve seen those things floating around the blogosphere for awhile and people have been saying all kinds of nice things about them but I’m still pretty much in the dark about it. I’ll take a jaunt over to your blog and figure it out.

Hi Sam, “nice green salads?” Are you suggesting I pile a bunch of iceberg lettuce on the Big One’s alter. Can you say “lightning bolt up the keester?” The mighty Zeus does not do greens unless it’s one of those genetically engineered glow-in-the-dark pigs I’ve been hearing about.

1:59 AM, March 12, 2007  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I hear Zeus isn't quite as mighty these days - carrying a little bit extra round the tum. Think about a low fat high protein sacrifice which will keep him going til lunchtime without his having to snack.

1:45 AM, March 13, 2007  
Blogger Kara said...

Everyone knows girth makes you more powerful...look at the Almighty Dictator Buddha.

1:43 PM, March 13, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hey Sam, it is true that Zeus is not the thrower of thunderbolts that he used to be, but the membership fees can’t be beat. I used to belong to an organization that expected ten percent of gross income just for showing up. In comparison, the mighty Z scarfs leftover pork ribs, lifts an occasional beer and demands the odd liaison with Jilly. He’s a god so I guess it’s ok. I do think it’s strange that he comes down from Mt. Olympus disguised as my dad, hmmm.

Hi Kara, I tell Jilly that all the time, she’s not buying it. Regarding Buddha, I forgot all about him the last time I went shopping for a deity. Maybe I can get Zeus and Buddha into a bidding war for my devotion.

12:33 AM, March 14, 2007  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Eew! I don't know where to begin, far less finish.

You may as well know though that I'm off my nut on tequilla and good times , sweetened with liquid-prized victory at team trivia tuesday.

You may as well know this as not.

2:06 AM, March 14, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Sam, you can never, never, never, never go wrong with tequila, unless you make the mistake of drinking cheap tequila in which case you will always, always, always, always go wrong.

10:29 AM, March 14, 2007  
Blogger David said...

As ever, good stuff. Laptops as the ultimate kitchen gadget is an idea whose time has come.

2:39 PM, March 14, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi David, they look good on paper but I’ve never been a fan of multi-function machines. A perfect example would be a Johnny “The Wad” Peter Pump. You can bleed a brake system and even drain a swamp with those things but they just aren’t engineered do any particular task well, except of course the single task for which they were created. Or so I’m told. Now if they came up with a laptop that would do a batch of cathead biscuits justice, I might change my mind about that.
Btw, it’s good to see you’re back. I have some catching up to do at your blog.

10:27 PM, March 14, 2007  
Blogger Stucco said...

Lappy as stovetop? I am unconvinced. Somehow "We'l throw another shrimp on the lappy" doesn't sound right... Is the pic of your actual model?

10:22 PM, March 15, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Stucco, until they come up with a non-stick surface, I think I’ll stick with the old gas oven/range. And the answer is yes.
So far I'm on my third lappy and I’ve logged over forty tech calls for that piece of crap as well as a desktop from the same manufacturer that I bought a few weeks before the lappy. They’ve already replaced the desktop due to hardware malfunctions and are now trying to salvage the replacement with failed repair attempts and HDD reformatting. I’ve done most of the diagnostic and repair work on my business computers over the last fifteen years but I still rely on tech support for some issues. I can say with absolutely no chance of error that with each passing year, tech support personnel for Dell and HP are becoming less effective at every level of support, from simple communication to diagnostics and repair. I used to pity them, now I hate their guts.

11:40 AM, March 17, 2007  
Blogger Evil Spock said...

Maybe you can get a USB peripheral that'll flash fry a turkey for you!

11:46 AM, March 20, 2007  
Blogger Stucco said...

Heyya Slag, any chance you can get your money back? I know opinions are worth what you pay for them, but years ago I switched to Apple and have been thankful ever since. Schmoopie switched too and has nothing but good things to say about it. Better made gear in my view.

It may be too late to make such a suggestion, but I thought I'd throw that in. How is your back, by the way?

7:45 PM, March 20, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hey Spock, I would rather have a USB device that fries tech support droids.

Hi Stucco, unfortunately none of my business software is written for Apple or I would scrap every computer I own and replace them with Apples. Regarding the old spine, pretty crappy and not getting any better. I at least have a lappy now that looks like it might hold out long enough to get some work done and maybe return to blogging. Getting old sucks monster sized ass.

9:11 PM, March 20, 2007  
Blogger Crankster said...

Try grilled vegetables. They're better for you, and with a mild amound of seasoning (some balsamic vinegar, olive oil, and a little pepper), they're delicious.

Sorry about your miserable-ass computer.

6:13 AM, March 28, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Crankster, That sounds pretty good. Maybe I’ll do a vegetable kabob.

7:22 PM, March 28, 2007  

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