Male Restroom Etiquette
While it comes close, this video falls short in a few areas of Men’s Room etiquette. I suspect there will be some overlap in Women’s Room protocol but my qualifications to judge in that area are limited by insufficient access to that hallowed ground. I have crashed the occasional ladies room in times of great distress but if I were forced to come to a conclusion based on such a small sampling, I would have no choice but to judge females as harshly as males in the category of filth when it comes to trashing public facilities. Since this goes against everything I’ve ever been taught or have ever learned through first hand experience of the fairer sex, then it must be my own bad luck to have so consistently stumbled into the dirtiest ladies rooms on the planet.
One more thing, there are those of you out there who feel the need to smear excretions on the walls of bathroom stalls. I guess this is as good a place as any for me to ask this question, WHY? This is not a rhetorical question, I really want to know. I know I should consult Jilly before posting this. She is my “canary in the coal mine” when it comes to gauging offensiveness. What the hell, it’s Valentines Day and I’m not going to bother her with such details.
posted by slaghammer at 6:27 PM
65 Comments:
Well bugger i did leave a comment I did.
Bloody Blogger!
And absolutely no talking about golf.
Oh my GAWD!!! This is ALMOST as rediculous has your talking hotdog post.
Whose your offal felliacal daddy?
Lol, good find on that video.
Funny : )
Slag, a ladies room is the filthiest place on the planet. It's like women forget everthing about hygiene when they walk into the room. Nasty places women's rooms.
Good question.. I've often wondered myself....
I find my experiences in the ladies room to be quite pleasant. I never go by myself. I always ask my date for $20 to tip the attendant (whether there is one or not). And all the girls talk about shoes and hair and makeup and boys. Sometimes, I go to the ladies room when I don't even need the $20.
I have no answer to the "why".
But experience tells me that there are other cultures are even worse.
The worst men's rooms on the planet are found in France and Germany. The British and Scandinavians, on the other hand, seem relatively civilized.
Hi Sam, Problem-Child Bride, you did leave a comment. I have no idea how it was deleted but I have Blogger set up to email all comments to my hotmail account so it shouldn’t be any trouble for me to return it to its rightful place. You should see it below.
Reza, no.
Hey Stucco, I can’t think of a damn thing that’s so important it can’t wait until after deu deu time.
Hi Rachet [sic], would you rather I post recipes that include raw onions? Raw onions on your hamburger and in your spaghetti? Yeah, all of a sudden urinals and bathroom grunting isn’t so bad after all. ;-)
Hi Scott from Oregon, I’m a huge fan of offal but I can’t seem to wrap my head around “felliacal.” I’ll let you know who’s my daddy as soon as I figure it out. :-)
Hi Micah, thanks for dropping by.
Hey Hammer, you just can’t go wrong with turlit humor.
Hi R2K, this one would fit right in to your “Bathrooms of the World” blog.
Hey Jazz, even though I’ve seen the evidence, I’m still horrified at having my worst fears confirmed. I’ve blogged before on the subject of women and turlits, clearly this is a difficult subject for me. ;-)
Hi Cheesy, with any luck somebody out there in the blogosphere will come clean, so to speak, and enlighten the rest of the world on the subject of smearing.
Hi Mist1, maybe that’s the key, only use restrooms that are protected by armed guards.
Hey Mystic Wing, maybe it’s the turlit gnomes, coming up through the pipes at night to smear and trash the place up. Regarding turlits in other countries, once again my utopian visions have been dashed against the rocks of common sense. I would have guessed the French, and especially those fastidious Germans, to be sticklers of cleanliness and decorum. Oh well.
Shoot. I got nothin'.
lol :)
This is the Sam, Problem-Child Bride’s comment that was lost and now found. I’m happy to restore to it’s rightful place.
Sam says:
I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I mean, how could I? We ladies have such giddy, happy times in the bathroom. I'm...look, I'm just terribly
sorry, y'know? How do you ever relax and let your stream out in these circumstances? What if there are 6 urinals and a piddler at each end. Is there an etiquette for deciding which piddler you should pee nearest to? That sounds like a situation all land-mined with peril. What if you make the wrong choice? What if you go nearer the old guy in preference to the guy you think might be gay? The old guy might take this obvious sign of preference to pee nearer him as a come-on and the other fellow, who could well be a homosexual struggling to admit his own truth to himself, might think that you know he's gay; that everybody knows and how can he marry Lucy now and God it's all just a mess and he might go and shoot himself. It's like a desperate geopolitical chess game where every move matters and the stakes are enormous, only its happening in the loo. I would say it's like the Cuban Missile Crisis, but I think that's more likely to happen in the stalls.
Hey Kara, are you trying to tell me you know nothing of the workings behind the Men’s Room door? I suspect otherwise. ;-)
Hi Karakib, welcome to my humble blog. I visited yours but I’m not able to speak the language, cool pics though.
Hi Sam, Problem-Child Bride, “giddy” does not happen in the men’s room as far as I know. There are legends that suggest otherwise but I’ve never witnessed any of them myself. Perhaps those that smear attain some level of nirvanic ecstasy, who knows. Regarding the finer points of turlit etiquette of which you speak, the men’s room can be considered a microcosm of Darwinian-style natural selection. Those who choose poorly do not thrive and are less likely to pass on their genes. Mother Nature can be very cruel in that respect. I also want to comment on your reference to the Cuban Missile Crises and the subtle manner in which you associated it with “stall” activities, pure comic genius I say. Clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap.
Its obvious a lot of people don't frequent ye olde rock pub or heavy metal bar. When it comes to hot tunes mixed with rocking alcohol and good girls, the vestiges of mens room ettiquette appear laborious and festidious. Eg, If there isn't a free urinal or cubicle/stall, the sink will suffice.
Hi Anonymous, you are absolutely correct. Garbage cans, parking lots and shrubbery make excellent alternate latrines. Some of the finer establishments even have a drain in the middle of the bathroom floor to catch the inevitable toilet overflows. I’ve never used those but I’ve seen it done, with my peripheral vision of course, wouldn’t want to stare you know.
no, thank you, no nasty onion recipes (trader)!
Mystic wing is wrong. The most disgusting bathrooms on the planet are in South Korea.
Squat toilets + Overflow = Run away and go pee in the alley
Hello again Rachet [sic], I thought you would see it my way.
Hi Whippersnapper, I’m still waiting for somebody to mention jobsite port-o-cans. Until you’ve seen twenty five gallons of blue stained human waste boiling in the mid-day sun, crawling with maggots and buzzing with flies…and I can’t even describe the smell. Actually, I could describe the smell but I don’t want to be accused of gilding the lilly.
You'd be surprised about how little I know of men's bathrooms. It has been a conscious effort to stay out of them unless it's an absolute emergency...like if the line for the women's has more than one person in it.
Nice blog mate, Cool vid.
Check out my site please Myspace Proxy
Hmmmm...the worst personal experience for me was the Daytona Flea Market during Bike Week. That shunned even my in-laws pics of the public restrooms in Malaysia & Singapore (drain hole in ground w/ cut off hose on ground beside drain hole)
This should be immortalized on numerous cds, sent out across the globe, and shown to every male! Thank you!
I hate dirty toilets!!!
Well, I have been in a lovely restroom in a restuarant and after I was finished washing my hands, wondered, "why is there a urinal in the ladies restroom?" Turns out I went into the Gents room. Sparkling clean. I was impressed and I was completely sober too!
I don't have time to read any of your posts today. You were the last hit on the "random blog" button before I get off the computer. But I wanted to say that I love the About Me you wrote about yourself, and I'll probably be back sometime. Take care!
I like the men's room. The graffitti is better than in the women's room.
Puss
Hi Kara, just one? There are downsides to cattle troughs and urinal arrays but at least there’s usually no line.
Hi Haydn, thanks, I’ll do that.
Hi Skinny, those squat toilets give me the creeps. I have seen some nasty stuff in my life but for some reason, squat toilets…ugh.
Hey Crankster, you would think there would be no need for explanation, that the rules would be self-evident…
Hi Gucci, dirty isn’t always bad unless you’re talking about toilets, so I agree with you completely.
Hi Anonymrs, If I don’t see urinals immediately upon entering a public restroom, I double-check the sign on the door. I have a fear of being stranded in a stall in a public restroom full of women. I’m not sure how I would talk my way out of that one.
Hi BNY, thanks for dropping by, I’ll drop by your blog as well.
Hey Glamourpuss, I always read the graffiti. I got one of my favorite bits of wisdom from a bathroom wall. It said, “Death to Intolerance.” I find that saying a lot more funny and profound than most people do.
I noticed the video didn't say anything about writing nasty messages on empty rolls of toilet paper.
Hey Woozie, so you’re the one who’s been doing that. I can’t tell you how many times you’ve brightened my day with your whimsical perspective. My favorite is “Here I sit, broken hearted...” You should start signing your work.
Nothing like a urinal trough to get my performance anxiety kicking in.
I can't speak for everyone, but I smear excretions on the walls of bathroom stalls as a way to mark off where I've been in my quest to use every public toilet east of the Mississippi.
Hey doc, there is a famous local country bar here that has a full-length mirror on the wall above the urinal trough. The only other place to go is a lonely little toilet sitting in the corner with no stall to hide the poor bastard who cannot wait to do his turdly business elsewhere. I rarely go there but when I do, it’s the parking lot for me.
This is so hilarious!
I loved it!
You need to let me know where you live so I don't have the insane displeasure of experiencing poo-smeared walls. You must live amongst freaks.
I don't have to deal with that where I live. Maybe it's the cold winters that keeps people from wanting to expose their hands that long..
Yik!
Hi Janna, you just can’t go wrong with toilet humor.
Hey Nic, there’s a whole world of disgusting filth out there. I’m not a particularly worldly person but I’ve seen shit stained bathrooms from Texas to California and all the way up to Oregon and Washington state. Louisiana has their share, and for the love of Zeus, stay the hell out of any truck stop within one hundred miles of Moore City Oklahoma. Don’t even get me started on the fetid sedimentary sludge that coats the walls of certain toilet facilities on the Mexican border. The good news is that if you haven’t crossed paths with these types of places by now, you will likely live out your life without ever having to deal with it. Did I mention jobsite port-o-cans? I believe I have on a few occasions.
Slaghammer,
This is the Animation of the Year!
Hi Goncalo, I believe you are absolutely correct.
In Ireland there is no such thing as a number 2. You move directly from a #1 to a #3 'cos see dat's de turd ting, dere, begorrah.
Hahahahahahaha.
Hey Sam, in this part of the world, which means mostly in my head, if you call a turd a number 3, it has to be a turd big enough to deserve jumping past number 2, and that my friend would be a mighty gigantic turd. :-)
Hi, Slag... the only thing I wanna know is, "which is the proper way to hang the toilet paper?" ...
Hey Little Wing, I was wondering if anybody was going to ask that question, you can look no further for your answer. My opinion on the matter is based on irrefutable logic. As with most things, I choose function over form and I have undeniable evidence that from a purely mechanical point of view, “over-the-top” roll position provides the most efficient dispense of all wood-pulp based personal cleaning supplies. My conclusion is supported by animal research studies conducted in my own bathroom. Kitty cats are consistently capable of completely clearing paper rolls down to the cardboard tube with hardly any effort at all. When the roll is configured in “from the bottom” mode, kitties are prone to become frustrated with the endeavor and resort to mauling the roll instead. Ten out of ten kitty cats agree, “over the top” is better.
And, if not over the top, how would one make the charming wee pointy bit?
What with ease of use and the charming wee pointy bit, the elegant simplicity of it all, there can be no doubt that there really is a god.
Yes Sam, and there we have the final piece of the puzzle. Over-the-top roll position is not only superior from an efficiency standpoint; it is clearly the better choice when aesthetic sensibilities are a point of concern.
Oh, you crude people... how could you even think about 'over the top'??? Why, I've never! Even in this dastardly dangerous place, we must consider 'form'.
Poor, poor Little Wing, other than this glaring deficiency, I’ve seen nothing in the way you write that would suggest insanity, therefore I must conclude that somebody has led you astray. Freud had much to say about the dangers of potty training. I myself have never gotten over that first great failure and I have to live with that. However, I consider my “over-the-top” roll position strategy evidence of that I came out of that horrible period of my life with at least one triumphant victory. Like most men, I consider my bathroom a sanctuary, and while I have been known to occasionally desecrate that hallowed ground, I would never risk the bad karma that might come from such a subversive and dangerous maneuver as the one you suggest. ;-)
Oh, powers that be, save me from this insanity, else I shall have to live with this unresolved shamefulness from my own pitty-full potty training! And I thought I had rid myself of my painful history. Thank you for shedding the Light on this place of wrongful doing.I will commit to making every effort to hang it 'over the top', henceforce onward. Thank you for your gentle guidance and, most importantly, I'm sure I'm not alone when I say, we all appreciate the scientific research you and your animals have done for the betterment of our bathroom etiquette.
As for TP position...My opinion is..
Any which way.. but I WANT IT FULL!
Little Wing, when the end comes, if I can look back and know that I’ve saved even one person from loading the spool backwards, then it will have been worth the effort I put into it. Go forth and spread the word.
Hi Cheesy, I hope you are talking about the roll and not the turlit. I’m going to go with the roll unless you tell me otherwise. In that case, I fully agree. At the level of diligence I currently maintain, I suffer no more than two strandings a year in my own domain, and none in the public domain
LOL,funny video!Who knew you guys had these many rules for the restroom,I knew one thing for sure that men never communicate at all unlike the ladies restroom where most of the times they end up doing a whole lot of talking even with strangers:)Oh certainly men's restroom seems way more cleaner than the ladies restrooms,I have seen some pretty horrors!
Oh, my god! It has happened! I had to run back and share the good news. This morning I was dutifully cleaning the restroom (I say dutifully, because I was not happy about doing the dirty deed, and my mind was still reeling over the fact that my companion had chosen a breakfast spread with flaxseed oil, that tasted... well... just like flaxseed oil, from the flaxseed fish that it came from)...anyways, not to tarry from the point of this tale, I had just finished wiping down the top of the toilet tank, when I noticed the paper hanger needed a new roll... (and it wasn't me who left it in that condition, I swear!) ... anyways, I reached into the linen closet and grabbed out a fresh new roll of the dainty tissue, softened with aloe, and... quite absent-mindedly, I tell you, I hung the new roll. There! ... now, back to the busy task of cleaning the tank top, when out of the side of my eye, I spied a a shocking, yet somehow wonderous sight! With mixed emotion, my eyes bugged out, my mouth flew widely agape, as my mind whirled at the sight. OMG!!! The TT was hanging... yes, that's right... it was hanging 'over the top'!!! At first I was truly shocked (like, who the hell hung that roll! what were they thinking??? )and was just about to grab that roll and turn it around to the proper position... when, suddenly, and without any noticeable big-tadoo, I realized that >>> "Tad-dahhh!!!" ... yes, it had happened, and it was a near over night miracle! I realized, in a flash, that there was no cause for alarm, and pulled my arm back from it's somewhat quick reflex, to grab that roll and snatch it back 'round. Then, from somewhere, deep inside, I suddenly, and without a shadow of a doubt, knew that I had, at least, finally succeeded in accomplishing a life long battle of proper vs improper toilet etiquette! Praise the powers that be... and you, Slag... you! For I am quite certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this hard wrought task would never have been accomplished, had I not wondered into this place and found the REEL writing on the wall... as opposed to all the toilet stall graffiti that I had taken in, year after stinking year *sigh* ... the real writing on the wall that would guide me through the process. And even though I knew, deep inside, that it was the right way to hang the... stuff... I still could not fathom being able to do so. It was as if, just by reading those glowing words that had seemingly jumped right off the page at me, that, I believe, my subconsciouse was miraculously changed. I just wanted you to know that I am forever grateful... and I will go forth... and spread the good word. Bless your for being such a good servant to mankind and sharing your well learned lessons, that we might not make the same mistake. I don't even have a cat... but, one day I might, and I will be prepared!
Evil Spock would prefer if everyone just wore diapers like the crazy astronaut lady; public restrooms are a bit too unseemly.
Oh, thanks for visiting and linking me, I've returned the favor. Let's do a good job in making each other a little bit more famous!
If you place a permanent link to this site in the sidebar of your blog, I will return the favor. Once you have a link to my site, simply post a message in the comments section or email me directly with a link to your blog. Now let me explain why you should do this...
(1) I learned that the more sites you have linking to your blog, the higher your search rank will be in search engines such as Google, Yahoo, MSN, etc. But it's not all about quantity of links, it's also about quality...the higher ranked the pages are that link to you, the better! Imagine if Amazon.com linked to your site...that would be a HUGE boost in your ranking. Now, my site is no Amazon.com, nor probably will it ever be...but as my rank increases (quantity), so should yours (quality)
Please note, this link exchange should not be construed as a "link scheme." I am simply trying to get the voices of my fellow bloggers heard. All information about search ranking is for informational purposes only and in accordance with Google's Webmaster Guidelines. Man, I feel like a lawyer writing a disclaimer like this!
Hey Fuzzylogic, the only place I’ve ever seen total strangers (of the male variety) congregate and talk as if they had known each other all their lives is a place called Harbor Freight. It’s like a hardware store but geared towards the hardcore machine head. Most of the stuff they sell is incredibly cheap in price and quality but there’s something about that place that causes natural enemies to call a truce and squeal together like little kids in a candy store. All is well as long as you are inside the store. As soon as you walk through the door to the outside world, all bets are off. Even surreptitious eye contact with one of your HF buddies could result in altercation. It’s the strangest thing.
Hi little wing, one down and 6,578,723,298 to go. By my calculations, I’ll have the entire population of the planet hanging their rolls correctly by the year 2525. That could be a problem since a few billion are not actually using TP at this time. First things first I guess.
Hi Evil Spock, I agree, especially as the price of toilet paper continues to rise and my enthusiasm for personal hygiene wanes with each passing decade. Regarding the link, onward to infamy!
Hi Andrew, thanks for dropping by. I understand the logic behind link exchange but I’m not trying to increase traffic for traffic’s sake. I add links to my blog when I find subject matter that interests me and it is never with an agreement that they link back to me. If they do that’s fine and if not, that’s ok too. Give me a chance to check out your blog and I’ll add your link as long as there is nothing too terribly offensive there, and even more importantly, as long as I feel reasonable sure that my content will not be offensive to your blog contributors. Note: It might be a few days as I’m currently injured and can spend no more than a few minutes at a time at the keyboard.
The video wont load for me :(
So running up to ppl and doing the chicken dance is unacceptable behavior? There goes my plans for next weekend *sigh*
Great post!
Hey Orhan, try again, this video goes down periodically but never for more than a few minutes at t time, gremlins in youtube I guess.
Hi Choochoo, the prohibition of the chicken dance is the only one that I don’t agree with. I encourage you to do the chicken dance in men’s restrooms at every opportunity, seriously. ;-)
Hi TKKerouac, thank you and welcome to my humble blog.
: )
Hey r2k,
:-)
I am sorry that you are injured. I hope that you are not suffering too much - at least you are bravely making it to the computer to answer comments. I have followed your lead and started talking more on my comments pages - I can't believe I didn't do it more before! It took a Gent like yourself to show this English lady the way ! And I agree about what you said regarding linking. For me, personally, I write for me not for blog views - although I do love it if people like reading my stuff. Well, my mum likes it... sorry, rambling now. Bye. S
This is a ridiculous number of comments. Ridiculous. I hope you're proud of yourself.
Slaghammer, only you could think of posting an entry about dirty restrooms on Valentine's Day.
You're a genuis. ;p
Have you ever thought of writing a book? You're a wonderful writer.
Hi Sarah, I actually bought a laptop computer to get me through this injury period but the damn thing caught fire and put me right back where I started. It’s a family curse that I live with, everything I buy is either broken in the box or catches fire one way or another. Regarding the blog thing, I guess everybody eventually figures out what works for them. I remember pre-internet times when “pen pals” were popular. I thought it an extremely odd thing that people would write letters and build relationships based on such narrow parameters. I understand the attraction now but it still seems like an odd thing to be doing.
Hi Kara, it’s like I’ve always said, you can’t go wrong with bathroom humor. I’ll give you an example: Sphincter, sphincter, sphincter, sphincter, sphincter, rectum, sphincter. Damn that’s funny!
Hi Irene, I really should be more sensitive about things like that. I did get a big bunch of red roses for Jilly. It is true that I wear my mistrust of holidays on my sleeve, but in the end, I usually buckle under the pressure and emote in whatever manner the greeting card companies require.
Hi Valerie, thank you for your kind assessment of my efforts. I think the greatest thing I could possibly offer to the world of literature is to keep my scribblings confined to this short-lived format. However, I will tell all my friends what you said and then perform a victory dance of some type or other. ;-)
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