Thursday, December 28, 2006

Stone Age

This is not me, but it might as well be. Apparently, I now live in the 1950’s. Jilly doesn’t know it yet, but it looks like from here on, she will have to load my lunch pail every morning before I drive the station wagon to work. I will clock-in down at the factory at 8:00am and work eight hours and then clock out. I will arrive home at 5:30pm at which time Jilly will meet me at the door with my slippers in hand and a cocktail at the ready. I will whip the kids (don’t have any, I’ll have to breed a few) and then we will have dinner, at the dining room table, in silence. Afterwards, I’ll watch the news while Jilly does the dishes. At 9:00pm, I will climb into my bed and she will climb into hers. Our beds, separated by a nightstand with an opened bible within easy reaching distance, will be kept four feet apart in order to avoid surreptitious physical contact in a manner not sanctioned by the “Laured.” How did this happen? Only a few short days ago, I was a proud member of the generation that dug the grave, and then shoveled dirt onto the corpse of the Victorian mindset. I hitched my wagon to the computer and trusted that my faith in it was justified. Yet, here I am, at the end of a long string of failed post attempts, unable to post videos and fighting to keep Word and Exploder from overheating and burning the g*ddamn house down. I remember what it was like before computers and the internet and this is worse. If things don’t start getting better fast, I’ll find myself living in the 1930’s or worse, Jilly will be washing our clothes down at the river and I’ll be clubbing small mammals on the head for dinner. I am not looking forward to tree bark, or gravel, or whatever they used before toilet paper was invented.


Blogger Goncalo Veiga said...

"Flinstones! Meet the Flinstones! They're a stone age family!"

You just reminded me of this!

6:23 AM, December 28, 2006  
Blogger Em said...

Jill waiting with your slippers and a cocktail? Hmmm...I've been reading her blog a while now. She doesn't seem like that kind of girl! LOL

But I'm very sorry that technical difficulties have time-warped you back to the golden age of black and white television and rotary dial phones.

9:10 AM, December 28, 2006  
Blogger Kara said...

I have a hard time believing that you'll ever stuff a perfectly folded handkerchief into the breast pocket of your suit, no matter how badly you regress technologically. I won't believe it. I REFUSE to believe it. Am I being overdramatic?

11:35 AM, December 28, 2006  
Blogger Crankster said...

At least the 1950's clothes are fun.

Did that sound gay?

11:35 AM, December 28, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Goncalo, now you’ve gone and done it. I’m going to have the Flintstones jingle running through my head all day long. I’ll be taking advantage of a lull in the work action to hide out in my pottery shop today. It will be interesting to see what effect Fred has on my creative juices.

Hello Em, you are correct. Do me a favor and don’t mention it to Jilly, I need to break it to her gently. I think in time she will accept the June Cleaver protocols and be happy in her labors.

Hey Kara, the idea is kind of growing on me, grease slicked hair, grey double-breasted wool suit with fat lapels and cuff links. I already have hemorrhoids so I can totally pull off the furrowed brow and stern demeanor.

Hello Crankster, that could depend on the color of the handkerchief which pocket it is stuffed into. I’ll have to consult with Skiver at on that one. I went to a Tony Bennett concert several years ago. T.B. was wearing an electric blue suit with a bright crimson handkerchief. On me, that suit would look gay, on Tony Bennett, very studly in a hetero kind of way so I guess it depends on the presentation. I went to the concert by myself because I couldn’t talk anybody into going with me. Does that sound gay?

2:12 PM, December 28, 2006  
Blogger Stucco said...

But will you use Bryllcreme? I couldn't stand putting oily shit in my hair. Did that sound gay?

4:11 PM, December 28, 2006  
Blogger Humour and last laugh said...

Hey, hope you get over the techmical glitch soon and your audience resumes enjoying your prolific blogs. It is tempting to look with longing on the past often. It provides you with the context.
Happy new year.

8:26 PM, December 28, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Stucco, Bryllcreme is so yesterday. I prefer Dippity Do; it creates a virtual helmet that is impervious to all known natural forces. Regarding your inquiry on the gaiety of it all, in the words of the great Dr. Seuss, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” Consider this place a sanctuary, you are welcome to gay it up anytime. ;-)

Hey Humour, I do too and thank you. Regarding the past, you know what they say, those who fail to learn from history are destined to repeat it. There is quite a lot of history that I would love to repeat, so I do a lot of looking back.
Happy new year back at you.

9:06 PM, December 28, 2006  
Blogger mist1 said...

Hunting and Gathering is soooo in for 2007.

Great post.

1:46 AM, December 29, 2006  
Blogger Hammer said...

I see baby elephant vacuum cleaners in your future ;)

Hope your technology problems get worked out.

2:28 AM, December 29, 2006  
Blogger David said...

Leaves, you will be wiping your arse with leaves.

7:29 AM, December 29, 2006  
Blogger ian said...

Three words:
Mozilla Firefox, OpenOffice.


5:50 PM, December 29, 2006  
Blogger Jill said...

As if Slag would be willing to eat my cooking on a regular basis.

Honey! I've got a batch of my special roundsteak surprise cooking right now, just for you.

8:09 PM, December 29, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Mist1, if a return to the Stone Age is how its going to be, I say bring it on. The first item on the survival checklist is team up with somebody who has the ability to manufacture luxuriously soft toilet paper.

Hey Hammer, what goes in one end always comes out the other in a markedly more stinky permutation. For that reason, I think I will satisfy my vacuuming needs with a more compact animal, maybe a pig or a goat.

Hi David, in this part of the world, leaves are not the solution as most have either jagged edges, foul smelling sap or some sort of rash raising self defense mechanism. I’ve been told that cats work really well for that purpose and they are self-cleaning too.

Hi Ian, I know that what you are saying is true and Firefox is in my future. Unfortunately, the primary research resource for my business only supports Exploder. Oddly enough, Exploder works flawlessly for that particular purpose. I wonder if Firefox and Open Office play well with Exploder and Word.

My sweet darling Jilly, I would bathe in your special round steak surprise. I would gladly comb the gravy from that dish into my hair if it would make you happy, but I cannot eat it. Please, for the love of Zeus, do not make me eat it.

8:49 PM, December 29, 2006  
Blogger madpotter said...

I'm trying to remember what I used to do with all of that extra time back in the good ol' B.C. (before computers!)

9:50 AM, December 31, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hey Madpotter, it was a simpler time, those days before the computer. I remember unhitching the mules from the plow at the end of the day and splitting wood for the evening fire. Polio and Consumption cut us down in our prime and we occasionally had to sell off one of the daughters to make ends meet when the crops failed, but by God, we didn’t need modern comforts like food or toilet paper because we had each other. Damn computers!

11:02 AM, December 31, 2006  
Blogger Irene said...

As I reflect on the good things that happened in Blogyear 2006, I realize that discovering your blog was one of the things I am thankful for!

Happy New Year, Slaghammer! Cheers! =)

5:20 PM, December 31, 2006  
Blogger Cheesy said...

lol I think I almost had as much fun reading the comments on this post! Jilly I want pics of him bathing in the THATS a post! lol
Happy Peaceful New Years!

9:05 AM, January 01, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Irene, that is such a nice thing to say. Happy new year back at you.

Hey Cheesy, I wonder if it would be better to bathe in the gravy before or after it’s served for dinner. I think bathing in it before would add a certain zing to the meal but I’m not sure if Jilly is ok with that. In any case, it’s like they say, there’s a little bit of the chef in everything he cooks.

11:28 AM, January 01, 2007  
Blogger Relznuk said...

Hi. Wanna trade links?

5:21 PM, January 01, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Relznuk, thanks for the offer. I’ll visit your blog as soon as I am able.

9:47 PM, January 01, 2007  
Blogger Lexa Roséan said...

great post

3:36 AM, January 02, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Lexa, thanks and welcome to my humble blog. I did a quick scan of your blog (I’ll do a more thorough browse later) and I noticed that you were excommunicated from your synagogue. Am I using the correct terminology, I hope so. I wasn’t thrown out of mine but I was asked to leave several times on account of me being damned to swim in a lake of fire for all eternity. I guess it’s just too uncomfortable to hang out with the damned. There were other reasons, too many questions, skinny tithes, etc., but that was the big one I think.

3:15 PM, January 02, 2007  
Blogger Roberta Swipe said...

I'm lucky slaghammer.

I'm Church of Wales. You'd have to do something *really* awful to get kicked out by our lot.

I'm haveing a *fucking* good go, mind....



4:19 AM, January 03, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Roberta, I’m pretty sure I could be kicked out of the Church of Wales. Lucky for me, I discovered the might and majesty that is Zeus. He’s really hurting for supplicants so the membership fees are practically zilch.

4:54 PM, January 03, 2007  
Blogger The Bizarre Jokester said...

Ha Ha! That was a hilarious post you put in for the Bestest Blog Carnival 1.3! Very well written!

Keep up the good work!

8:28 PM, January 03, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hey Jokester, thanks, I’m going to have to confront another assault from the “finger of shame” in the near future. Wish me luck.

9:49 PM, January 03, 2007  

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