Friday, December 22, 2006

Twisted and Broken

----------------This is what my job has done to me----------------

Ok, many apologies for neglecting my blog doodies. Bent to the breaking point, my otherwise turgid constitution was no match for the relentless and unforgiving demands of the pre-Santa Day tardfest that plagues my chosen profession. To make matters worse, I arrived back to discover that I had neglected a tag from Judith. So Judith, please accept my apology and this belated meme offering, I’ll try to do better in the future.
Meme follows:

1. Grab the book closest to you.
-- Ok, I have chosen the book.

2. Open to page 123, go down to the fifth sentence.
-- There are only 30 pages, so I’ll turn to page 1, second paragraph, and begin with the third sentence.

3. Post the text of next 3 sentences on your blog
-- Henrod held J’anus close to his hardened shank and groaned softly into her eyes. My love is aged custard, sweet yet sour, hard yet flaccid. J’anus gripped Henrod’s oily flanks, her engorged mcguffies plowed furrows through Henrod's verdant garden. No! Henrod screamed, wrong hole!

4. Name of the book and the author
-- Book: The Misadventures of Henrod Gash.
-- Author: Slagamus Hammerhung

5. Tag three people.
-- In the grand tradition of the nihilist, even though I’m not technically a nihilist, I break tradition and ask for three volunteers instead.


19 Comments:

Blogger Goncalo Veiga said...

"No! Henrod screamed, wrong hole!"

Haha! Insane!!!

4:20 AM, December 22, 2006  
Blogger Stucco said...

I'm dying here. Passersby at work may wonder why the big man is crying. I can't laugh as I'd wish, because that path leads to explanations. Therefor I'm red, jittery, and weeping. Thanks Slag.

There oughtta be a tag "too funny for work"

11:13 AM, December 22, 2006  
Blogger Schmoopie said...

Where can I buy a copy of your book Mr. Hammerhung? My mother-in-law needs a copy for Christmas!

12:24 PM, December 22, 2006  
Blogger Crankster said...

Outstanding!

Sorry the tardfest has gotten you down.

10:30 PM, December 22, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Goncalo, reality comes in all flavors. While I prefer baleful sociopathy, insanity served in a waffle cone will do in a pinch.

Stucco, I appreciate the compliment but I can’t take full credit. At 3am, Hammerhung pretty much gets his way.

Schmoopie, in an attempt to discourage resellers, we have a five order limit per household. I suggest you consider opening an International Import/Export account with Hammerhung Industries. Please call our overseas account exec at 1-900-JohnnyTheWad or sign up online at www.EnemasForAll.com

Crankster, I am a shepherd. I guide my clients through the same painful lessons year after mind numbing year. The following is an artist’s rendering of a typical phone conversation:
--No Bob, what you are asking me to do is unethical and a sanctionable violation of the uniform code, just like the last time you asked.
--Yes Bob, I could conceivably be stripped of my certification and you could go to prison.
--No Bob, we could not keep it a secret because when you emailed your proposal to me, you cc’d your clients, their parents, your therapist and Dry-Hump Lube Distributors Inc.
--Yes Bob, I know what cock and ball torture is and I appreciate the offer but I’m not interested, I’m married for Christ’s sake.
--No…Bob…come on now…you know it makes me uncomfortable when you cry.
--Yes Bob, I know you are just trying to make an honest living but I have to get back to work now.
--I’m hanging up now Bob…no…bu…fttt…ye…just let me…Bob, listen to me…listen to me Bob, how many bowls of stupid did you have for breakfast this morning? Don’t you realize we have had this conversation at least five times this year?
--GODDAMNIT BOB, I DON’T WANT YOUR WIFE TO DO THAT OR ANYTHING ELSE TO MY RECTUM AND TELL HER TO EITHER LAY OFF THE PEANUT BUTTER OR AT LEAST COVER THE CHAIR CUSHIONS WITH A TOWEL BEFORE SHE SITS DOWN!!! I’M HANGING UP NOW, GOODBYE…click.
Ring…ring….ring….ring….voice mail picks up the call.

1:25 AM, December 23, 2006  
Blogger Agent Kitten said...

Sometimes I wonder who you really are... a Melchizedek, a Grey, a Tool member. I often sort through these things in my head after reading your blogs. Why can't I just face the facts?

1:45 AM, December 25, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Agent K, I have been called a tool on at least one occasion that I know of.
I think deep down inside, some us harbor a fantasy that we are nobility, switched at birth, or through some other unjust mechanism were robbed of our destiny to do great things. Others of us are capable of flashes of brilliance, but live in the fear that someday we’ll be discovered as imposters and frauds. Ultimately, my physical features undid the fantasy I had as a child that I belonged to another family. I still cling to the hope that maybe I have something to offer, through art or otherwise, that might separate me from the square hole into which I was pounded upon conception. I think you have just come up with the words I will have inscribed on my tombstone (many years from now), “He just couldn’t face the facts.”

10:50 AM, December 25, 2006  
Blogger Stucco said...

Slag, Merry Xmas to you and Jill. I hope the holidays are exceptional. Wishing you the best-

2:28 PM, December 25, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Stucco, same to you, Schmoopie and all of your family.

6:32 PM, December 25, 2006  
Blogger Kara said...

Is it ok if I don't volunteer? I'm anti-meme at the moment. Some people are anti-war, but I only fight the battles I can win, you know?

6:19 PM, December 26, 2006  
Blogger xunis said...

ahhhhhh... work sucks

Xunis's Word

11:12 PM, December 26, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Kara, George Orwell said it best in his little ditty, 1984, “War is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength.” I think that means, yes, it is not ok that you don’t agree to not do the meme. So the answer is, ok.

Zunis, welcome to my humble blog. We think alike, you and I. Work sucks.

12:15 AM, December 27, 2006  
Blogger Laura(southernxyl) said...

Too bad Miss Snark's Happy Hooker Crapometer is closed. I think you have a winner.

8:34 PM, January 01, 2007  
Blogger Laura(southernxyl) said...

But to volunteer - my daughter is standing at hand with a book.

"How can I play with a murderer? I asked myself."

From Howliday Inn, by the author of Bunnicula and The Celery Stalks at Midnight.

I'm not kidding.

8:39 PM, January 01, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Southernxyl, I thought the “xyl” in your name stood for “exile” until I read the explanation at your blog. I guess that would make me an “xym.” Regarding Howliday Inn, is that the book where some guy gets bit by a demon lap dog and turns into a werechihuahua? No, wait, I’m must be thinking of “For Whom the Dog Barks.”

12:40 AM, January 02, 2007  
Blogger Judith said...

New Year Greetings slag may the new year bring you and your kiln many blessings

7:05 AM, January 03, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hey Judith, right back at you. I am happy to report that my kiln has been blessed in this new year.

4:56 PM, January 03, 2007  
Blogger Stephanie said...

I needed a good laugh, there is a lot of not so great blogs out there yours is a great one. Pleased to meet you like this.

2:17 AM, January 05, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Poor Stephanie, I’m pretty sure that your reaction to my “Twisted and Broken” post exposes some underlying psychological insufficiency. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that a psychotic break with reality is imminent, but I’m not ruling it out. That is excellent news for me as I rely almost exclusively on the emotional instabilities of my fellow bloggers to get any visitors at all. ;-) Btw, thank you for your kind assessment of my humble efforts.

11:28 AM, January 05, 2007  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home