Friday, October 06, 2006

Humanity

There is a meme being passed around that issues a challenge to post a recent picture of yourself. I don’t have any pictures of myself. It has already been established that I believe having your picture taken steals your soul and the only way to get your soul back is to eat the picture. It helps to wash the picture down with a tall glass of warm tequila but you can avoid the hassle altogether by not allowing your picture to be taken in the first place. In any case, I found this picture of a chimp a while back. I am posting it as a representation of the person that I would like to be, without the fur and humongous ears of course.

26 Comments:

Blogger Cheesy said...

My what a scrawny beard you have my dear!

1:36 AM, October 06, 2006  
Blogger Anne said...

This IS my real picture. Yes, it is hard to type with fuzzy little paws and no thumbs.

Very nice blog you have here. I was trying to send words of praise and appreciation for the story about your childhood, but i had problems getting in. Oh well, im here now. That was an awesome story, thank you for writing it.

3:11 AM, October 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I'm in love.... :p

3:29 AM, October 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thats a very wise visage for a chimp, mind you I would imagine those bags under his eyes are a result of getting no sleep whatsoever with the extended family he has and by the looks of it hes probably afraid to sleep after the last eyebrow shaving incident. If I was to choose an animal to represent me in a photo it would be the koala, with the wise sage face but cute enough to cash in on when needs are a must

3:35 AM, October 06, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Cheesy, scrawny yes, but so fluffy.

Hi Ann, welcome to my little blog. I see you too are afflicted by copious quantities of fur. Thanks for the words of encouragement. As it is now 4:00am, I’ll drop by your place tomorrow when my eyelids are back in working order.

Irene, who could not love that monkey?

Hey Judith, I’ve heard koalas can turn on the crazy if you go messing with their vibe.

4:21 AM, October 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Slaggy, they are veritable wolves in sheeps clothing, cute face's with krugar shredding nails - they are not to be trifled reminiscent of the gary larson cartoon 'nature's way of saying dont touch'

5:01 AM, October 06, 2006  
Blogger Dr. A said...

I think I may use this picture if the meme comes my way.

7:48 AM, October 06, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Judith, they sound like the perfect avatars.

Dr. A, I think this chimp would be honored to serve as a representative of all who desire a simplified existence.

9:24 AM, October 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wanna get dinner? ;P

1:31 PM, October 06, 2006  
Blogger Kara said...

Well now you're just a belief theif. You stole that idea from the aboriginies and they want it back. They're an angry sort of people...they carry pointy sticks.

1:54 PM, October 06, 2006  
Blogger Serena said...

reminds me of every middle aged guy i've ever seen at the pool or beach in a speedo... bald on top and unbelieveably hair everywhere else.

WHY?!! WHY DO THEY DO THAT? WHY DO THEY THINK IT LOOKS GOOD?????? it.... makes.... no..... sense! why the speedo? and all that hair.. gah! just the memory alone is making me gag.

2:56 PM, October 06, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Though the warm tequilla is very appealing to me, it only renders up an exact copy of what this hairy beast is sitting upon! Congrats on the Blogstein!

4:34 PM, October 06, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Csmc, I have been craving a big, hot, steaming bowl of monkey chow.

Kara, well, it’s mine now, and they’re not getting it back. I have some southern Baptist dogma they can have.

Serena, oh Serena, you have much to learn. They don’t think it looks good. The Speedo, the bushy nose hair, all part of the long slide into oblivion. They pack their testicles into little red cod sacks because they were too self-conscious to do it in their early years. Now, as brain cells are sloughed off like pond scum and fresh crops of hair spring forth from odd nooks and crannies, the brain prepares itself for the inevitable by shutting down the ability to feel shame. It is a reward all humans can look forward to for decades of sweating the small stuff. I heard that somewhere.

4:41 PM, October 06, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Madpotter, unfortunately, even tequila is not capable of solving all of the world’s problems. Btw, thanks for the link. I will be more than happy to return the favor.

4:48 PM, October 06, 2006  
Blogger alphawoman said...

Funny!

6:03 PM, October 06, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Mary, the chimp agrees.

7:12 PM, October 06, 2006  
Blogger Newsandseduction said...

The Chimp looks wise and thouhtful.

10:35 PM, October 06, 2006  
Blogger Stucco said...

Wait a second there Mr. Hammer- If photo's steal your soul, and the only way to reclaim said soul is to eat the photo, what about the soul of this poor monkey? And what if the photos include other people? Do you get their soul as well? And what if it's free double prints? Must you eat ALL the copies?

Also, I think I just paid that monkey $2 at my nearest toll booth.

P.S. Were you and Serena joking? Is it really time to retire the "little red cod slacks"? What about the "banana hammock"?

11:54 PM, October 06, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Stucco, In theory, you have to consent to the picture to be taken for your soul to be lost, so the monkey is safe but you are not. I’m working on a theory where immortality might be achieved with multiple prints.
Re: Cod sacks. If you have survived long enough to feel ok about wearing plaid Bermuda shorts with black knee socks and brown sandals at the beach, then you have earned your place on the beachtowel wearing whatever you want to wear. Hawaiian print nut-thong or cutoff polyester Sans-a-Belt slacks with burgundy dress shoes, wear them with pride.

10:01 AM, October 07, 2006  
Blogger Stucco said...

That monkey is having his picture taken willingly- I mean look at him, working those "come hither" bedroom eyes, and that Mona Lisa smile. He's a player, and he's telling you to hate the game, but not him.

Although, an animal that flings poo may not have much of a soul in the first place.

10:34 AM, October 07, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

stucco, come on now, who hasn't flung a little poo?

4:02 PM, October 07, 2006  
Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

That monkey looks too much like me!

:(

1:18 AM, October 08, 2006  
Blogger David said...

What if you no longer look like your picture and have grown a cloned soul for transplantation?

6:42 AM, October 08, 2006  
Blogger Jill said...

I can attest to Slag's aversion to having his picture taken. In the nearly ten years that we've been together, the worst fight we've ever had was over him getting his picture taken. Or rather, his inability to maintain a normal expression on his face while there is a camera in the general vicinity. Most pictures of him come out looking like he's just suffered a mild stroke or is in the middle of a seizure.

He makes up for it all by being absolutely adorable when there are no cameras around. (Sorry. I know, I'm already beginning to retch myself...)

12:03 PM, October 08, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Orhan, that must mean you are contented, happy, non-judgmental, empathetic, laid back, and you throw your own feces at passersby.

David, that has always been a problem. When was the last time you said, “I just haven’t been myself lately? Mix-ups do occur.

Jilly Bean, for the last time, you cannot have my soul until I’m done with it. By the way, I have never once in my life been adorable. I strike fear into the hearts of all who venture near, their gaze averted lest I summon the mighty hand of Zeus to crush and destroy.
By the way, will you pick up some milk on your way home? You know how important it is that I have my hot chocolate before you tuck me into bed.

3:47 PM, October 08, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Crap, I just swallowed my own gurge.

3:51 PM, October 08, 2006  

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