Saturday, September 09, 2006

Choking the Chicken

I told myself I was not going to do the daily news commentary thing but I can’t help myself. Last Wednesday, a Portland Oregon woman came home to find a man burgling her house. Mr. Hot-Nuts-Burglar-Dude whips out a hammer and proceeds to threaten the damsel. The frightened, defenseless girl then goes about the business of choking the idiot to death with her bare hands.
See link for article.

In my younger days, for a number of years, I worked alongside neo-Nazis, anti-government survivalists, klansmen and bikers, both hard core and sidewalk commandos. There were also home breakers, junkies, meth freaks, larcenists and garden-variety reprobates (No, I was not a cop or prison guard). As truthful as blatant stereotyping can be, there appears to be a roughly defined code of honor that runs consistently through these various cultures, with the exception of the meth-freaks & junkies. Most everyone has heard of the likely fate that awaits the typical child molester upon incarceration. There is a similar disdain for cowards, snitches, narcs, liars and those unlucky bastards who get thrashed by women (see sidenote at the end of this post for exceptions). You might be thinking to yourself, I took a serious beating from a female recently and I’m doing just fine. That is different, I will explain.

Let’s just say that I’m strolling along in downtown Portland and Kara mistakes me for a hippie. She insults me and beats me about the face and shoulders with one of those water wieners or pool noodles or whatever you call those things. After Kara’s lust for hippie blood has been sated, I call the police and press charges. Kara has to pay my dental bills and replace my blood stained tie-dyed T-shirt. There is a short blurb on the evening news where I tell the viewers how I overcame adversity and everybody is impressed with my bravery.

Now we alter the scenario slightly and see how it affects the outcome. I’m strolling along in Jackass Flats (east of the Willamette) and some crazy ho-bag comes up demanding that I give her all of my money. I tell Kara, it’s my damn money you ho-bag! If you didn’t spend all or your crack money on weed, you wouldn’t be up in my face acting like a fool! She says “fuck you asshole, I’ll be kicking your ass if you don’t cough up the cash”! So I say, come on! Kara beats me to the ground, chokes me unconscious, and takes my money. From that point on, ten-year-old kids and old ladies are going to be kicking my ass and taking my crack money. It’s not just because they can, it’s because they have lost all respect for me.

Had Mr. Nuts-On-Fire been able to pry open the fingers clutched around his throat, it is a safe bet that he would have done his time in the joint with a flashing neon “OPEN” sign mounted above his rectum. The market for fifi-bags would have crashed overnight. Then there’s the season pass for ass whippings from prisoners and guards alike.

I have no doubt Mr. Empty-Nutsack-Hammer-Dude would have chosen that fate, if it had been his for the choosing. In this particular instance, fate finally managed to kick open the right door. Close to the end, after his strength failed him and the struggle had settled down to the business at hand, as his lungs were burning for oxygen and tunnel vision closed in, there had to be a brief moment, before everything faded to black, where he knew that his life was over. I want to believe that the last thing he saw was his “easy mark” gritting her teeth as she bore down on his sorry ass.

Pricks like him prey on the weak. Mr. I-Got-Choked-To-Death-By-A-Nurse picked on somebody with the outward appearance of weakness. Being an emergency room nurse, the idiot lying dead on her living room floor was probably not the first corpse she had seen that day.

Sidenote: There are other exceptions to the stigma associated with ass whippings from females. In situations involving girlfriends and/or wives, I have seen men point to their scars with pride as they recount the violent episodes that resulted in their disfigurements. Knife and bullet-hole scars seem to be the most highly prized. A prime example is illustrated in one of my previous posts titled "Insert Bullet Here”. A more recent example is a first-hand accounting from a guy who's wife hit him on the head with a large, heavy skillet, while sound asleep on his living room couch. I had to ask the question, can you be knocked unconscious if you are already unconscious? Ironically, he could not answer that question.


Anonymous Justin said...

I told myself I was not going to do the daily news commentary thing but I can’t help myself.

Now why would you go and do a dang thing like that? I think your commentaries are awesome.

8:08 AM, September 09, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Justin, I have no idea why. I guess it makes me feel like I'm jumping on a cripple.
Thank you for your kind assessment of my humble efforts.

12:07 PM, September 09, 2006  
Blogger Cheesy said...

Wow I missed that story in the Oregonian... thanks for the update lol...

1:17 AM, September 10, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Cheesy,
You’re welcome. By the way, I noticed that you are an Oregonian. I lived in the Portland area years ago and left before I wore out my welcome. Loved the rain, the mountains, the trees, and the people.

6:50 PM, September 10, 2006  
Blogger Cheesy said...

Im in the Eugene area,,I love it too... and miss the damned rain.. we had a spritzing yest .. first in 100 days,,, geez

10:46 PM, September 10, 2006  
Blogger R2K said...

Death is scary.

8:32 AM, September 11, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Alex, life is too.

10:33 AM, September 11, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Justin, I've been unable to post comments at your blog. Any suggestions

11:04 AM, September 11, 2006  
Blogger ... said...

You know, I've seen some pretty damn big nurses before... even some of the female ones. Maybe Mr. Do-Your-Nuts-Hang-Low was merely waving the hammer in fear, swatting at the air as if our nurse was a bee that in his terror he could scare away. When he realized what a mistake it was to rob the house of a not-too-short and thunderously hefty person charging at him with outstretched hands, he probably was too busy shitting himself to realize it was a woman. But that being said, I guess I'd rather die too than share a cell with an enormous-penised nymphomaniac who knew I'd gotten my ass kicked by a bare-handed chick against me and my hammer.

11:58 AM, September 11, 2006  
Blogger Kara said...

She says “fuck you asshole, I’ll be kicking your motherfucking ass if you don’t cough up the cash”!

- um, I'd like to point out that the dialogue here is extraordinarily unbelievable. I'm much more eloquent than that...even strung out on crack.

Oh, and we call them "felony flats"'s all about alliteration in the NW these days.

2:05 PM, September 11, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi …
You know what they say, hammers don’t kill people…
I feel bad for the nurse. As tough as she appeared to be in the article, she will no doubt be dealing with serious issues in the future. The family of the hammerhead is going to have to live with the memory also. At least Mr. Where-Did-My-Hammer-Go is not going to get the chance to drag everybody though the legal system.

I was under attack. I did the best I could do considering.
So, how about misdemeanor motel? It doesn’t have the same gravitas, does it?

8:08 PM, September 11, 2006  
Blogger Laffy Taffy said...

That was really funny. So is yo.

8:03 PM, September 16, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi laffy, thanks for dropping by. I will check our your blog.

12:41 AM, September 17, 2006  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home