Monday, December 04, 2006

Off With Her Head

Yay! Jilly ordered new christmas tree ornaments this morning.
Among other treasures, she scored the perfect tree topper for a particularly finicky friend of ours. It’s called the “Obsessive Compulsive Action figure.” The official product description follows.

-This 5-1/4" tall, hard vinyl Obsessive Compulsive Action Figure is worried about whether or not you washed your hands after you used the bathroom. Just in case, he's sure you won't mind if he wears his gloves and surgical mask when he shakes your hand. Or, even better, maybe you could just bump elbows with him. As soon as he finishes counting those ceiling tiles, he can get started on alphabetizing the canned foods. Mini surgical mask included. Packaged with a sanitary, hypoallergenic towelette to clean the figure before you touch it. Perfect!

I don’t usually get this exited about holiday trinkets, but I predict our Yoda tree topper is going to have some serious competition this year for the rank of “most highly prized tree-bauble.”

Novelty object number one is a Marie Antoinette action figure with ejector head. Jilly and I discussed the possibility that Marie might displace Yoda in the top position but I’m afraid her most desirable attribute, the ejectable head, would be out of reach and effectively non-functional. What good is Marie Antoinette if you can’t lop off her head when company comes calling, no good at all I say. She’ll be mounted at the halfway point for easy access.

Trinket number two is the “Crazy Cat Lady.” Other than being just plain funny (to both of us), this one has bitter/sweet significance for Jilly and me. I happen to be outrageously allergic to cats. When I first met Jilly, she had four of the little furry critters. The word “little” might be misleading, as two of the more corpulent kitties, weighed together, would have easily topped forty pounds. All told, there was approximately sixty-five pounds of kitty cat keeping Jilly company at any given time. The cat situation in and of itself was neither good nor bad, but because of my allergies, it was an issue that very nearly snuffed the smoldering embers of sweet, sweet love.

The first time I visited Jilly at her house, I paused in the entry hall for a short period in order to gauge my reaction. My symptoms vary from cat to cat; sometimes it’s no big deal. The place was clean, no drifts of cat hair in the corners and nary a hairball in sight, so far so good. It was at least a couple of minutes before my eyeballs began to leak. Not bad, I thought, so I ventured deeper into the kitty cat kingdom, eventually stopping at the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

It was at this most critical of moments that things began to get out of hand. My body started digesting itself. Cell walls ruptured and internal organs proceeded to liquefy. I feared it was too late to save my spleen but I still had a chance to salvage the liver. With tunnel vision closing in, I moved instinctively towards the light. After allowing gravity to schlep my corpus defunctus the final few feet to salvation, I stood in Jilly’s back yard and acknowledged to myself that the issue was settled, we could never be together. I had long since resolved that I would never be the cause of a person having to choose between their beloved animals and me. We fell in love anyway. Jilly broached the subject of finding homes for her pets and the rest is history. I’ve done my best since then to never make her to regret that choice.

Our fire retardant polypropylene facsimile of a Douglas Fir tree is going to be looking mighty stylish this year.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's a store near me that sells the entire series that the Crazy Cat Lady is from - they're awesome!

I like the obsessive compulsive figure - I've got the handwashing thing... my friends call me Howard Hughes, lol.

8:11 PM, December 04, 2006  
Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

Slag~ I love the figurines that Jilly has found & agree 'off with the head' should be kept at an accessible height.

I admire Jilly's foresight at finding good homes for her kitty cats...and your awareness of never making her regret that choice.
Having 5 dogs, I am so releived that I found a man who is not allergic to them.

1:08 AM, December 05, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Zorak163, thanks for dropping by my humble blog.
I would go completely nuts in that store; those action figures are hilarious. Regarding the obsessive-compulsive thing, I guess it is abundantly evident that I am blessed with a few of those peccadilloes. I’m quite happy to have them as I’ve always believed they have done more good than harm.

Hi Skinny, it has been over ten years since the kitties were adopted out and I still feel horrible about it, especially when neighborhood kitties come around for a scratching and I see her face light up. You guys must be utterly and completely free of the scourge of allergies to be able to live with five dogs. I’ve only ever been able to raise one at a time and even then, it got pretty itchy-scratchy every now and then.

2:04 AM, December 05, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Intrstd in Link exchange?
comment/mail so that i can link to ur blog!

3:53 AM, December 05, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, I NEED Marie Antoinette! Send one now.

7:26 AM, December 05, 2006  
Blogger Jill said...

Slag is being kind. I lived with 4 cats. There was plenty of cat hair in my house. Pleanty. :)

3:00 PM, December 05, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Travelling Soldier, I’ll check our your blog as soon as I can. Thanks for the offer.

Hey Jazz, you can borrow ours in the off-season, must have it back for santa say though.

Jilly, maybe there was, maybe I was blinded by love.

7:45 PM, December 05, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I see you neglected to purchase Jesus The Action Figure...and this being his birthday time too...sinner.

1:35 PM, December 06, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Kara, I’m sort of running out of room. Even if I had him, I don’t know where I would put him. I guess he could be mounted on the headboard overlooking our bed but I’m pretty sure Zeus wouldn’t understand. Those gods are a jealous lot.

3:25 PM, December 06, 2006  
Blogger Anne said...

I gotta admire someone who's funny enough to make a tragic, spleen-destroying medical condition sound funny. I have allergies too, but not to cats. Walking down the cleaning products or garden chemical aisle of a store makes my head feel like it's melting. :p

6:07 PM, December 06, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Anne, that’s funny. I bet when you were a kid, your parents were highly suspicious of your allergy to cleaning supplies. I remember being chided for an apparent allergy to work in general when I was little.

11:19 PM, December 06, 2006  
Blogger skinnylittleblonde said...

Slag ~ We talked about & think that we are a-ok because we were raised with dogs, dirt, dander & all those allergy provoking things. could be true.

11:21 AM, December 07, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Skinny, I was raised on a farm in a high-density allergen situation. There never was a time I wasn’t miserable. There were many times I almost went down for the count, thank Zeus for epinephrine.

9:23 PM, December 07, 2006  
Blogger Crankster said...

God, I wanna see your tree.

It'd be nice if they made some other famous monarchs for the tree. Charles the bald. Adolphus the fat. Leopold of Belgium, complete with a bucket full of Congolese ears.

I think I've found my calling.

6:42 PM, December 11, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Crankster, let me know when the “Adolphus the Fat” ornaments are ready to ship. I would buy one just so I could say I own an “Adolphus the Fat.”

9:28 PM, December 11, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what is wrong with the people on this sight, are you all without minds?

6:10 PM, February 09, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Anonymous, minds are highly overrated anyway.

3:33 AM, February 11, 2007  
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2:49 PM, March 14, 2007  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Omar, if that is your real name, and a happy weed brownie, rolling paper, and shroom to you.

12:53 AM, March 15, 2007  

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