Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Hellgrammites and the Rapture

This is the infamous hellgrammite. You do
not want this nasty little bastard anywhere
near your underwear. Those mandibles are
fully functional ass biting tools of destruction.

This is the Rapture.
You do not want Rapturists anywhere near
your underwear either. They are also capable
of inflicting a nasty wound when provoked.

Note the carnage left behind as those who are
raptured are yanked from behind the wheels
of their vehicles.

Note the speed of departure from your
earthly garments. Imagine how ridiculous
this scenario would be if there were 72 virgins
waiting on the other side. Yeah, that would be
pretty ridiculous. Those Muslims and their
crazy ideas. Wow, 72 virgins, what were
they thinking? Looks like they will never be
raptured and fly naked through the air. Too
bad for them I guess.

There is only one thing that worries me out more than starvation, bird flu, intestinal parasites, hemorrhoids, televangelists, dogs with rabies, rampaging hordes of Muslims and hellgrammites in my underwear. That would be Rapturists. My mistrust of these people has nothing to do with religion. What freaks me out is the thought of educated people in positions of power subscribing to the belief that at a designated time, the streets will be littered with piles of clothing as the skies fill with naked people flying through the air with a one way ticket to paradise. Pilotless planes will fall from the sky with unsaved men, women and children plummeting do their doom. Ditto for the millions of driverless vehicles piling up in heaps of burning wreckage. From my first introduction to this concept as a child, I was never able to wipe the creepy image from my mind of old geezers with scrotums flapping in the wind and women with outstretched arms and legs pumping away like a cheesy Hollywood freefall stunt. The thought of it made me laugh when I was too young to understand how serious the issue was.
The main street through the farming community in which I grew up consisted primarily of a three-room school and four churches. From an eternal lake of fire perspective, the Methodist church that I belonged to came up short in the eyes of the competing houses-of-God on that street. The pious congregations in two of those churches did their best to save us from our ignorance of God's will, but to no avail. The Baptists were by far the most concerned for our salvation and after attending a few of their revivals, there was no question in my mind that if the afterlife was managed in the manner in which it was portrayed by the Jesus Industrial Complex, I would be one of those souls left behind. My own mother would join the naked hordes and wave a final goodbye, all memories of her hell-bound children soon to be erased. That freaked me out on several different levels.
Later, after hitching my wagon to a group of fundamentalist evangelical Jesus freaks, my failure to speak in tongues at the appointed time confirmed my worst fear, I was unworthy. I resolved to make the best of a bad situation. Thank God for tequila and the brotherhood of the weed. They carried me through those transition years between hard-core religious indoctrination and the glory of logic and reason. These days, I try not to judge too harshly. It would be easy to fall into the ex-smoker syndrome where addiction is replaced by indignant rage. Come to think of it, I am an ex-smoker and I do have a lot of indignant rage but I try to give my Christian friends the same benefit of the doubt that I give to subscribers of all belief systems that I do not fully comprehend. In any case, I've come full circle to where the thought of scrotums flapping in the wind is funny again but I still don't trust those Rapturists.


Blogger Kara said...

Tell me now, why would I waste my "gadget" trying to get past the lord's "deadbolt". I don't want to go in one I want to see is in there...and the "gadget" would probably break during the attempt and then I'd have to go back to the 2 hour away boyfriend dry spell. I tell you, the depths of hell would be preferrable to my moods during a dry spell.

These pictures are hilarious. Well, chuckle-worthy at the very least. Religion actually makes me quite sad. Suddenly they're depressing. Damnit.

5:43 PM, August 31, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

According to my sources, you can wait right up to the very moment people start flying out of their underpants before you have to choose. There's a life of blissful boredom sharing a bunk in God's gated community with the likes of, I don't know, Billy Graham. Or you can camp out on a beach with an excellent view of a sulfurous lake of fire with your favorite band or liberal activist. I wonder if they have wireless service down there.

10:00 PM, August 31, 2006  
Blogger R2K said...

: )

1:51 PM, September 01, 2006  
Blogger csmc said...

I LOVE this post - I don;t even know if I can describe how... I just do. :D

1:55 PM, September 01, 2006  
Blogger Kara said...

It will be like Starbucks...they'll have wireless, but you have to buy something to use it.

2:31 PM, September 01, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny ass post:)

Did your hardcore religious freakish friends learn this stuff at church

Only if the religious knew GOD.

4:05 PM, September 01, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

I just call them as I see them. Most Rapturists these days are unaware that zipping through the air with your package flapping in the wind is part of the deal. As with many religious scenarios, the stories are "edited down" for the increasingly sqeamish congregations that typify our age of "enlightenment". After all, it makes it hard to ridicule other religions when your own has these embarrassing little events sprinkled here and there. If you want to see a preacher go all swampy on you, start quoting Deuteronomy or Leviticus. I myself have been damned by God's messengers on earth on four different occasions so far, for nothing more than quoting the Old Testament.
Go figure.

4:44 PM, September 01, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

I guess I should be honest about it. I have been damned on four different occasions by Lordly men of God, but there were other minor infractions of the rules other than just quoting Deuteronomy. But hey, it's like I always say, truth doesn't fear the light of day.

5:22 PM, September 01, 2006  
Blogger alessia said...

This post is funny even to me, as a christian. The Left Behind books always made me laugh... Although I believe in the Rapture, I'm pretty sure there's no reason for clothes to be left behind. :p

6:40 PM, September 01, 2006  
Blogger Paula said...

If you could check out my blog, I'd appreciate it. Thanks.

Your blog is pretty funny, by the way.

8:20 PM, September 01, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Alessia,
Rapture or Rapture Light?
I always thought they were going a little too far with the “piles of clothes” thing.
I mean, come on, they totally had me until that part. You can bet that if I’m flying up into the sky, I’m not shucking the duds till I’m at least above cloud level. This is no Saturday night tub party we’re talking about. You’re going to getting naked with a lot of extremely uptight people. In any case, my membership in that club may have lapsed but I mind the manscaping just in case.

1:24 AM, September 02, 2006  
Blogger Bazza said...

Hi. I must have lead a very sheltered life because I have never heard of this! Maybe we don't have them in the UK?

9:32 AM, September 02, 2006  
Blogger ian said...

I just surfed in here and this cracked me up to no end. I'll be back time and again, because it's rare to find someone who is as successfully amusing as you.

Stop by and say hello

10:43 AM, September 02, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

bazza, I'm sorry to have to break this to you but, that means your everlasting soul will burn in the fiery pit of eternal damnation. It's like they say, if you are sitting at a poker table and you can't spot the sucker, it is you. Bad analogy maybe, but believe me, they are all around you and they know that you are one of the damned. Make the best of the time you have left. Poor, poor bazza.

10:55 AM, September 02, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Ian, thanks for dropping by.
The Laured works in mysterious ways and I can't help feeling that I am a tool. I mean his tool. I mean, you know, one of the tools in his tool box. Like a screwdriver or a hammer or, a slaghammer.

11:08 AM, September 02, 2006  
Blogger Dr. Blogstein said...

I thought the Rapture was a basketball player in Toronto.

Slag: This post is All-Star material.

3:31 PM, September 02, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hey doc,
You must be thinking of The Rupture. He's currently on the injured list I think.

7:22 PM, September 02, 2006  
Blogger New Fool said...

I wonder where you got those pictures. I don't ever find any pictures that go with my posts. I never knew about any rapture, thanks for the education.

7:14 PM, September 03, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

New Fool, some of the pics are mine, some I find floating around the infinite nothingness of webspace.
Regarding the Rapture, it's a shame that your brain was not run through the Christian Evangelical sausage grinder. I can't imagine what I would do if I didn't have that to blame for my shortcomings. Scary thought.

12:48 AM, September 04, 2006  
Blogger Cornealius said...

cool post sledghammer. I also wish i had been brought up religous because then id have in my teens i could have rebelled by becoming an athieist. As it was i was raised an atheist and so my only way to rebel was to become a fundmentalist christian... which was rather embaressing.

8:18 AM, September 04, 2006  
Blogger Cornealius said...

and meant i coulnt have sex...

8:19 AM, September 04, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Cornelius, I visited your blog and I see that you are a gifted writer. The irreverent streak that feeds your creativity appears to be alive and well. Therefore, I can only assume that your quest for chastity and religious enlightenment ended in complete and utter failure.
I would like to congratulate you for your escape from the God squad.

11:52 PM, September 04, 2006  
Blogger Melanie said...

Like your writing style.hilarious and wittily sarcastic!
love it, so am going to add you to my blog.
do visit mine also sometime.

3:48 AM, September 05, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Melanie, life is a freakshow. The sarcasm comes naturally. Thank you for your kind assessment of my humble efforts (no sarcasm intended).

3:38 PM, September 05, 2006  
Blogger Mathew Butka said...

Just FYI - I think its more like 72 houses with 72 bedrooms, each with 72 beds, each bed with 72 virgins :)

9:11 AM, September 15, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:52 AM, September 15, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Let's see, if each house has 72 bedrooms...carry the 2...times 72...ok, that would be twenty six million, eight hundred and seventy three thousand, eight hundred and fifty six virgins. If we calculate birthdays and anniversaries to remember, that aint no heaven brother!

9:58 AM, September 15, 2006  
Blogger Edukator said...

I'd never heard of a Rapturist until now! I can't believe it! I'm torn between disbelief and a strong desire to join. I would love to be ripped bodily from my clothing and ascend into heaven. I think it would be even more fun to be one of the people left behind... unless of course I was in a car driven by a rapturist. How could you ever be friends with a Rapturist? You know they could just up and leave any time...

10:27 PM, September 16, 2006  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Hi Edukator,

You haven’t noticed them but you can be sure that they have noticed you. They are wary of the damned that walk amongst them.
Now that you have heard of Rapturists, you will start noticing evidence of them in the oddest places, on coffee mugs, kitchen table place mats, 18-wheeler mud flaps, etc.

1:06 AM, September 17, 2006  
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